Six New Year's 2014 Resolutions for Miami's Club Scene
Photo by Yesenia Hernandez
Do you hear that? It's the sound of another year dissolving into yesterday. All your words, thoughts and actions of 2013 have been locked into place. We hope your regrets are few and your memories fond. Let's have one more moment of silence for the past.
Alright! Now, let's look forward and promise ourselves something. Miami, this year will be better! Say it with me now. This. Year. Will. Be. Better.
We here at Crossfade have compiled some suggestions toward that goal. Feel free to tell us what assholes we are in the comment section. Cheers!
Photo by Liliana Mora
Stop Taking Selfies on the Dance Floor
Alright y'all. The shit has gone on long enough. New rule: if you take three pictures, and you don't like the way they look, too bad so sad. We suggest a three strike rule with pics from now on, because seriously, if we see another gaggle of drunk bitches taking pic after pic on the middle of the dance floor, we're going to start physically assaulting you cunts. News flash: no one cares about your pictures at the club, except for creeps you don't even want looking at your pictures anyway. Stop the madness, and turn your flash off for christ's sake.
Photo by: George Martinez
We've already gotten some heat for suggesting this, but we're going to try again anyway. Ladies, maybe you want to like, I don't know, get dressed before your leave the house for a party? We know it's hot in Miami, but that doesn't mean you have to be a trashy dunce. We understand that festivals are probably beyond saving, but do your butt cheeks have to come out to play every time you go to a party? Also, no good relationship started with attention from nipple pasties - and no good hook-ups, either. If you're under 18, you might want to reconsider the path your life is taking.
Stop Requesting the DJ
The point of hiring a DJ is that you trust the individual's taste and musical decision-making skills. If you are willing to spend $10, $50 or hundreds of dollars on an evening with DJ WhoeverTheIsh, you are monetarily backing their claims to professionalism. And even if you didn't pay - shut the hell up. Requesting a DJ is 1) pompous and 2) futile. If you really think you can do better, start DJing yourself. Though we don't suggest anyone learn to DJ now. There are already too many as it is.
Practice Your Dance Moves
Unless you're a professional "dancer," it's time to bury the twerk. Like, seriously, stop it. Tired-ass dance moves need to be tucked in. Even shuffling had us yawning in the corner. Y'all know there are lots of different genres or dance, right? You could steal the spotlight if you just practiced one new move a day. And you know what? Fuck a rehearsed dance move. Let the beat control body. Let loose! Do whatever feels stupid because how cares?! We still see too many pretentious douchers who stand by the bar and never bust a move. Just because you're "working" doesn't mean you're excused from enjoying "dance" music in the proper fashion. Figure it out.
Photo by: Jacob Katel
Stop Taking Drugs From Strangers
So, we like to be funny, but this resolution is no laughing matter. Miami, you're not doing molly. Even if you trust your dealer and he tells you it's molly, it's not. We hear it's a lot of bk-mdma, which is at least somewhat related, but you never ever really know what you've got unless you test it yourself. With that being said, do not take drugs or drinks from strangers. There are real consequences to this. Just this year, a girl fell into a coma because she accepted water from a kind-looking stranger, only to be poisoned with anti-freeze. In 2014, we urge you to always go out with friends and use the buddy system at parties. Stay conscious enough to care for yourself and those around you. When you do enjoy recreational drugs, inform new users of what to expect, how to care for themselves, and guide them every step of the way. And please, never ever drive while under the influence. The risk is real.
Photo by: George Martinez
Just Say No to $100,000 Table Reservations
You know how they say you can't complain if you don't vote? Same goes for the price of admission to dance music events. In this case, your wallet is your ballot, and you vote with ticket purchases. If you think tickets are too expensive for an artist - don't go! Instead, put your money toward local shows with low or even non-existent covers. True, there will always be rich pricks who can afford a table for $100,000, but fuck them, amirite? Don't sit there and bitch on Facebook about Ultra ticket prices. Just don't effing go and keep it to yourself. The world is bigger than the same shit over and over. Make 2014 a year of new beginnings - try new stuff! See new DJs or bands you haven't seen a million times already and save some bucks.
Follow Kat Bein on Twitter @KatSaysKill.
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