Six Club Drugs to Get You Through the Mayan Apocalypse
New Year's Eve is the high holiday of unacceptable behavior suddenly becoming acceptable. Because, well, you were fucking wasted.
And just imagine if the next day nobody was going to be able to hold you accountable for your despicable life choices. Sounds kind of ideal, right?
Well, you might not have to push the imagination too hard, considering 2012 will end earlier than most years, along with the rest of the space-time continuum.
Yep. We've reached the supposed expiration date, according to the ancient Mayan prediction that shit is going down on December 21, 2012.
But no worries. We here at Crossfade have put together a little guide to staying faded through the end times.
And we're not talking about Grey Goose with a splash of cran. On an average Friday night, that might do the trick. And by "the trick," we mean get you shitty-drunk enough to dance, flirt, and either get laid or vomit on yourself trying. But this is the apocalypse, people! We're talking cosmic calendars, ancient civilizations that disappeared, and fucking pyramids. Cataclysmic times call for cataclysmic inebriation. So pass the Soviet infantryman boot filled with Grade-Z swill distilled from potatoes by a peasant Babushka in the Russian countryside. We thirst, comrade.
No, we haven't seen Molly, AKA pure MDMA. So quit asking. And hey, when we're a day away from, like, blinking out of existence, we wouldn't bother holding out. Instead, why not roll the dice (LOL) on some pressed pills loaded with, well, who the fuck knows what? You are that much more likely to draw the attention of the party photographers hanging out at the End of the World, because you will be that much more of a sweaty, teeth-grinding, obviously-on-drugs, beat-freaking pookiehead.
When the credits are about to start rolling (sorry) at the end of the movie called Everything, why not snort some microwaved animal tranquilizer? It is Crossfade's official opinion that the closer we get to the shock-and-awe of total Mayannihilation, the more narcotics you should be cramming into every last orifice on your body. Because if you're not going to dose yourself with a Special K butt-plug now, you're never going to get the chance.
OK, so ketamine will render you a drooling moron as the fabric of reality is torn before your tremendous moon-pie pupils. Not bad. But the intensely sedating effects of gamma-hydroxybutyrate puts users in a state commonly described as "coma-like." And when planning one's itinerary for Ragnarök, a total lack of consciousness seems like a decent way to ride out the storm.
2. Amyl Nitrate
Or you could celebrate/witness/experience the finale of the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar with about a third of your brain cells. At first, we were calling a tie between poppers and their close cousins, nitrous oxide (more commonly known as whip-its) for the contest to see which chemical substance is better/worse (relative to one's perspective) to huff until your eyes cross. Also, amyl nitrate is more of a club drug, whereas nitrous has more to do with jam band festival types and Juggalos.
Cocaine is the clubbiest of club drugs: It's expensive. It's controversial. So it's done in private, which makes it exclusive. The ants marching one by one into the bathroom together draws attention, which completes the shitty social cycle of druggies and prudes pissing each other off. (Hey, isn't this whole Mayan apocalypse about the end of cycles?) In the course of looking, buying, doing, being pressured to share, and the barbaric come down, you will deal with an endless parade of fast-talking dickheads. Or end up a fast-talking dickhead yourself. Furthermore, when the Martians come back for the dolphins and the psilocybin mushrooms (before taking the whole planet out with space bombs), we can't think of a better way to go than with a machine gun shootout and a sand castle filled with blow.
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