When Julia Tuttle and Henry Flagler set about creating Miami, they wanted one thing and one thing only: for the 305 to be the best fucking party city in the South.
They envisioned a place where DJs from all across the globe would pack the streets of South Beach and blast unhtz-uhntz till bodies were drenched in sweat and ear drums exploded.
Alright, that may not be exactly what Mrs. Tuttle and Mr. Flagler had in mind. But that's how it turned out. So go party it up at the six best SoBe parties this week. And let's hope that we're making our founders proud.
See also: New Times' Concert Calendar
Chippendales. Thursday, January 16, 9-10:30 p.m., Mansion, 1235 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-695-8411; mansionmiami.com. Tickets cost $49.75-$79.75 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Sure, Miami may be a strip-club paradise for men. But when it comes to adult entertainment for women, the Magic City ain't so magical. So you can only imagine how much our lady parts tingled with excitement when we discovered that Sin City's Chippendales dancers would be coming to shake their junk every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday at Mansion throughout the month of January. Looks like all of our Magic Mike fantasies are coming true after all.
Chuckie. With Dave Sol. Friday, January 17, 11 p.m., Story, 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-538-2424; storymiami.com. Tickets cost $30-$40 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Hailing from the former Dutch colony of Suriname, Chuckie is quickly becoming an EDM superstar. He's the mastermind behind the successful Dirty Dutch parties. He's produced remixes for David Guetta and Bob Sinclar. He's even performed for the the Netherlands' royal family. Guess that's why they call him the King of Dirty Dutch.
Nervo. With Mednas. Saturday, January 18, 11 p.m., LIV, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-4680; livnightclub.com. Tickets cost $60-$90 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Five years ago, Miriam Nervo and Olivia Nervo broke onto the dance-pop scene by co-writing David Guetta's Grammy-winning hit, "When Love Takes Over." Now, these twin sisters are starting a "Revolution" of their own, tearing up dance floors with their Nervo Nation residencies at Hakkasan and Ibiza Beach Club, while also booking big-time gigs at Tomorrowland, Electric Daisy Carnival, and Ultra Music Festival.
Borgeous. Friday, January 17, 11 p.m., Mansion, 1235 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-695-8411; mansionmiami.com. Tickets cost $20 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Los Angeles' Borgeous made worldwide waves when he and the Canadian EDM duo DVBBS released their track "Tsunami" last year. So brace yourself for the electro-house storm that he'll be bringing to Mansion this weekend. You've been warned.
Solomun. Saturday, January 18, 11 p.m., Story, 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-538-2424; storymiami.com. Tickets cost $30-$40 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. "Are you ready to play the game?" Well, Solomun says, there is one rule you must follow: "Don't stop the music." Because if you do, there's a chance that you'll get attacked by a dude dressed as a giant plush teddy bear, just like the guy in his "Krackvogel" music vid. So spare yourself the humiliation, crank up the funk, and dance your ass off.
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Thomas Gold's New Year Tour. With Dave Sol. Sunday, January 19, 11 p.m., Story, 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-538-2424; storymiami.com. Tickets cost $30-$40 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Germany's Thomas Gold is one hard-working DJ. The year has barely just begun and the man's already touring the Americas, bringing a dose of 24-carat techno to the 305. And from the looks of it, we predict 2014's gonna be one hell of a year for this beatmeister. Achtung, ravers!