Maybe your ambitions as a party person are no loftier than gettin' crunk with all those club mofos in the SoBe VIP. Or maybe you just wanna do the "Banana Pop" with a couple of so-called Hungarian PornoStars.
Of course, though, you might be in the midst a soulful clubber's quest, chasing spiritual enlightenment and personal improvement via the enjoyment of alcoholic beverages, transcendent uhntz-uhntz, and other expensive intoxicants.
Whatever your bag, here are the six best parties on South Beach this week.
Craze's House. Presented by Super Fridays. Friday, July 12, 11 p.m., Mansion, 1235 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-695-8411; mansionmiami.com. Tickets cost $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. The DJ's job ain't easy. But it's simple. As pro Miami party starter and three-time DMC World Champion deck man Craze explains: "When I go into Mansion, I'm just thinking, How the hell do I get these club motherfuckers crunker? How do I get this shit poppin' poppin'?"
Mr. C. With Lee Jones, as well as residents Danyelino and Hardline. Presented by Link and Miami Rebels. Friday, July 12, 11 p.m., Treehouse, 323 23rd St., Miami Beach; 305-614-4478; treehousemiami.com. Tickets cost $10 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Too young to remember the real days of rave? Go get a history lesson from four-decade dance music vet Mr. C, AKA Richard West. He was there to witness "every race, color, and creed sharing and getting extremely high."
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Flosstradamus. With Ruen. Friday, July 12, 11 p.m., LIV, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-4680; livnightclub.com. Tickets cost $40 to $60 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Some might say the whole trap-house phenomenon is just another white-bread, mainstream appropriation of black rap culture. But forget the haters. 'Cause "selling out shows without selling our souls," as the Floss guys recently tweeted, "that's underground."
Rebecca & Fiona. With Laurent Simeca. Saturday, July 13, 11 p.m., Mansion, 1235 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-695-8411; mansionmiami.com. Tickets cost $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Sure, Rebecca & Fiona are a couple of good-looking Swedish blondes. Maybe that's why they're "often called 'female DJs.' " But as the ladies tell New Times: "For us, that's a shame and really weird, because we're just DJs, just as male DJs are DJs." So c'mon, stop with "the negative energy," you chauvinist jerks. We all just wanna party.
Visionquest's Lee Curtiss, Ryan Crosson, and Shaun Reeves. As part of #UndergroundStory. Presented by Link and Miami Rebels. Saturday, July 13, 11 p.m., Story, 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-538-2424; storymiami.com. Tickets cost $30 to $40 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Visionquest is an EDM brotherhood of which Lee Curtiss, Ryan Crosson, and Shaun Reeves are founding members. It's also a millennia-old human tradition that totally predates the uhntz-uhntz. "The Egyptians did it, the Mayans did it," Reeves explains. "In many ancient civilizations and some indigenous tribes, it's still present to this day. It is seen as a rite of passage toward spiritual enlightenment." So go forth, clubbers, and ensoul yourselves.
Crazibiza. Presented by Avantgarde Artist Management. Wednesday, July 17, 11 p.m., Bamboo, 550 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-695-4771; bamboomiamibeach.com. Tickets cost $20 to $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Definitely crazy but not from Ibiza, these Eastern European disco-house dudes (self-described as "the excitingly ingenious pairing of legendary Hungarian house aficionado Tommyboy and fellow countryman Agebeat") are the primary proponents of PornoStar Records. So get ready to watch your "Banana Pop"!