I heard about your split with long-time boyfriend Antonio de la Rua this week, and I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I know you two were together for a number of years. But believe me when I say you're better off without him.
After all, what does the son of an Argentinean ex-president have to offer you? And let's face it, Shakira. This is perhaps the most highly anticipated breakup of the last decade. All over the world, there are assholes pumping their fists and cheering, "So you're saying there's a chance!"
Don't you fret for one second, you gorgeous little Colombianita from Barranquilla, where se baila asi. With those irrepressibly honest hips, you could have any guy you want. Remember your music video last year, where you rolled around making out with tennis pro Rafael Nadal? Well, dollars to dimes says he was packing wood. Of course, a real gentleman would have more control over himself.
Besides, celebrity couples never last. Which is why you'll also want to stay away from Alejandro Sanz, your collaborator on "La Tortura." That and the creepy way he watched you from his apartment, and then, I guess, made you cut onions. You see an average Joe is the way to go.
Would it be crass of me to throw my hat in the ring? I think not. After all, I've been waiting ages for this breakup. And when I finally heard the long-awaited news, the first words in my mind were, "So you're saying there's a chance!"
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With me, you'd have none of the worries associated with dating another celebrity. I only have about 15 followers on Twitter. You could also rest easy that I'd be totally supportive. You want to play in a fountain or ride on a motorcyle, like in your latest video, "Loca?" I've got your back. You want to run around in butterfly wings? No problem. You turn into a freakin' wolf in the middle of the night? That's a-ok with me. And if you feel like taking a peek underneath my clothes? I'm only too willing.
Hell, I won't even give you crap about hanging out with Wyclef. If that doesn't confirm the depth of my adoration, I don't know what will.