Ratchet Christmas: Top Ten Videos
Where all my ho ho hos at?
Santa wants all the naughty girls and boys to drop it in his lap, because we're celebrating the most ratchet Christmas that the streets have ever seen.
What makes a ho ratchet? Well, she's probably gold diggin' in a messy weave, twerkin' in her stockings, chewin' like she's got Vaseline on her gums, and talkin' way too loud.
Of course, a ratchet Christmas just isn't complete without this set of insane Christmas carols and twerk vids. So come over here and eat our cookies like you 'spose to.
See also: XXXmas: Ten Sexiest Christmas Songs
Migos' "Hannah Montana"
This isn't traditionally a Christmas song, although it has been one of our fave ratchet anthems of the year. When Miamians say they're partying with Miley, it means they're having a white Christmas. Y'know what we're saying? Who wants to hit the slopes with us? And go singing this 'round down the block?
Eazy-E's "Merry Muthafuckin' Xmas"
Have y'all ever heard the story of the badass Eazy-E? Or, better yet, the story of Santa Motherfukin' Right? This is a tale old as time set to the classic sounds of Christmas carols. "Ring them bells, ring them bells/She's takin' it all the way /Oh, what fun it is to watch her suck my dick this way."
DMX's "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"
You know Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and the rest, but do you recall that time DMX busted out the best rendition of Rudolph in the history of ever? We still find it charming, thuggish, and hysterical. He knows all the words, as he attests, and he kills it with the table beat. DMX, you're the best Christmas ever.
Ratchet Girl Christmas Carol Vine
This bitch it letting you know. It's only seven-seconds long, but this very-merry Vine video gets the job done. Run and tell that, ho.
Aza's "Hunky Santa"
Just in case anyone thinks ratchet is a racial thing or a classist thing, we submit this very embarrassing clip from the clearly European Aza. Someone break out the egg nog, this bitch looks thirsty. Too bad all that plastic surgery can't cover up the fact that she's too old to believe in "Hunky Santa."
Ying Yang Twins' "Ho Ho"
Swinging on back to the South, Atlanta's OG ratchet pair the Ying Yang Twins bring the heat with Christmas album The Ying & The Yang of the Holidays. Complete with anthems such as "Carol of Da Bellz" and "Deck Da Club," you can bet these boys have presents for all the good and bad bitches. And then there's this little ditty, "Ho Ho." It's beginning to sound a lot like Ratchet Christmas.
Twerk Team Christmas Special, Featuring the 69 Boyz and Quad City DJs
Let's take this party back to Miami with the Twerk Team and their very bootylicious Xmas special. You hear that bass in the background? That's the ratchet classic "What You Want For Christmas" from 69 Boyz and Quad City DJs. Only bass and booty can brighten a Ratchet Christmas party.
Ghetto Christmas Carols from This is Commentary
This ratchet babysitter needs her money, so she's going to sing as many ghetto carols as she can. Who doesn't love "Silent Fight" or "Dashing Through the Stank"? Stay tuned for the heart-warming story of Lil Timmy and his stank-ass momma. It's well worth it.
Blowfly is the nastiest old man of all time, and we love him for it. Just listen to this disgusting rendition of "'Twas the Night Before Christmas," in which mommy fucks everything in the house, even a mouse. May you all get fucked on Christmas, and to all, a suckin' good night.
Queen of Vagina's "Father Christmas Fucked My Pussy"
This, ladies and gentlemen, is the most ratchet thing we have ever seen. Words can't describe. Just ... We can't even. Good night.
Follow Kat Bein on Twitter @KatSaysKill.
Get the Music Newsletter
Keep your thumb on the local music scene each week with music news, trends, artist interviews and concert listings. We'll also send you special ticket offers and music deals.