Pop Gossip: Ten Hottest Messes of 2012
Pop gossip. Most of us want to believe that we're too intelligent and cultured to be fascinated with such gutter-trash information, but the reality is we all love to sniff the dirty underwear of the stars.
Whether it's a child star blossoming into a full-fledged sex symbol, a battered woman who can't stop loving her sexy tormenter, a once-beloved starlet spiraling out of control, fluctuating weight from hell, or someone who just doesn't know how to shut the fuck up, all of us non-stars are obsessed with keeping tabs.
This year, certain famous people saw more action than others. Let's take a trip down memory lane and see who were indeed the vilest, most interesting, hottest messes of them all.
Mother Monster is always doing crazy things to get some attention. That's her job, that's her modus operandi. But at least this year, when she went all crazy shaving her head and tweeting near-nude photos of herself, it was because she was championing some cause. This year, we found out Gaga struggles with eating disorders, her own fame monster, and holding in the contents of her stomach on stage. At least she's raising awareness.
This was a big year for the Madge. She started with a bang when she visited our city for Ultra Music Festival. She may be way over that hill, but apparently she still has threesomes with Avicii and dat white girl. And because she's got such a damn good feeling, she spent the next few months stripping all over the place, flashing boobies and ass cheeks like they wouldn't be viewable come NYE. Her new album is kind of lame, but her tour had people fired up all over the world. We actually had a really good time, so we guess we forgive her for all that sexy drug innuendo. You go
girl 54-year-old woman.
Avril Lavigne/ Chad Kroeger
First of all, fuck these two for even claiming some modicum of relevancy this year. It's no secret nobody likes either of them. So, when we heard back in May they were working together in the studio, we simultaneously puked and cried and blogged about how awful it was, because we're part of the problem. Then it got worse when they announced their engagement. Then Avril was like, I'm gonna make my own stupid dress, and we just hate them forever. But we'll probably look at pictures of the wedding.
Maybe no one had a more exciting year than Justin Bieber. He finally turned 18, and then his life went to pop gossip shit. He was accused of fathering some old lady's child, he was forced to finish high school, he kicked the shit out of some paparazzo, he almost had his balls cut off, his computer was stolen, and his sexy singing sweetheart dumped his ass. At least his dubstep was a hit.
Years from now, we'll remember 2012 as the year Hannah Montana died and left a way edgier, way filthier Miley Cyrus in her place. Despite getting engaged, this was the young starlet's most daringly sexual year to date. She was running around flashing side boob, grabbing asses and eating penis cakes like her name was Tara Reid. Chopping off all her hair seemed really freeing, and she got dirty and experimental with Israel's hardest export, dubstep producer/rapper Borgore. We're excited to watch her turn 21 next year. We wonder if she'll accept that $1 million porn offer.
Deadmau5 is almost as famous for being a loudmouth asshole with a serious TMI problem as he is for being one of the richest EDM producers on Planet Earth. (He even made the most expensive EDM music video ever.) But this year, he had a lot of personal problems that he made public problems, because that's how he roll. He called Madonna a "fucking idiot" and Pauly D no talent "garbage." Meanwhile, he also struggled with his own work, going into an announced bout of depressed introspection, only to decide he was a hack in a hack industry. But then he met Kat Von D and starting Instagram-ing her everywhere. Now they're getting married, after he proposed via Twitter. Maybe next year he'll stop live-blogging his life and learn to have some self-respect. Mo' money mo' problems, Mau5y?
DJ Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton is a useless socialite slut-waver, but she made a lot of headlines when she added DJ to her name in 2012. Because she has more money than a music festival even stands to make, she got herself booked on a mega-stage in Brazil. Thankfully, someone caught the horror on film and we all LOL-ed. We LOL-ed even harder when she came out with this shitty song featuring Lil Wayne and produced by her
boyfriend friend Afrojack. But we all stopped laughing when she said gays were disgusting and "probably have AIDS." You dumb hooker ... Back away from the decks.
The most annoying things in pop gossip this year weren't even single entities, but rather hellspawn couples whose combined high-profiles turned them into nonsense royalty. Kanye West and Kim Kardashian came together this year, two people who literally need no introduction. Clearly, they're meant to be. This relationship escalated rapidly. Kanye released three or four songs about his "perfect bitch," detailing how he used to watch her sex tape, and how he would totally beat up her ex-husband. He even put her in DJ Khaled's music video. He really loves his big booty ho. He beat up a paparazzo for her, and they shopped for mansions right here in Miami. We're going to be seeing a lot more of Kimye in 2013, we can tell they about to be in they zone.
It all started when Rihanna's restraining order on Chris Brown expired and they immediately released a sexually charged fuck anthem together about oral sex. It upset people that Rihanna, the "victim," could still adore and work with the man who beat her senseless for all to see. But RiRi and Breezy continued to flaunt their awkward relationship via Instagram until it all went to shit or something. Then they went around crying about their misunderstood love in embarrassing mini-films and interviews, all while Rihanna slutted out on tattoos, magazine covers, and Drake. Right now, they're in lovers' limbo, though they're still Instagram-ing. Who knows what antics they'll get into in 2013.
Even with all of this year's other buffoonery, there was a standout winner for most obnoxious pop gossip figure of 2012. Somehow Nicki Minaj managed to be entirely self-righteous, while doing absolutely nothing of note, which is commendable marketing because we talked about her a lot.
She quit twitter for a time because, "like, seriously, it's but so much a person can take." She released a bunch of shitty pop songs, then got pissed and threw a tantrum when someone called her pop, refusing to play a headlining spot at Summer Jam in retaliation. She got on the mike and confused people with meaningless, half-baked political lyricism. She accepted the wash-up job of hosting American Idol, then made a big stink about sharing the stage with Mariah Carey, who is at least actually talented. She pulled the race card on Steve Tyler and compared herself to Jesus Christ. Basically, she was the worst, and that's why we love her.
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