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Pepe Billete on Cinco de Mayo and Immigration: "Pobre Mexicanos, Se La Clavan Sin Vaselina"

"Retired marimbero" and Miami New Times columnist Pepe Billete doesn't know many specifics about the Battle of Puebla, Mexico's victorious May 5 mêlée against France during the Franco-Mexican War in 1862.

However, that isn't stopping the frisky felt puppet from hosting tremenda fiesta to commemorate the occasion with Nadastrom, Craze, and Sabo at Grand Central on Cinco de Mayo.

Promising a night of drunken debauchery, culonas en nota, and moombahton, Billete sat down with Crossfade to promote his upcoming party, Cinco de Massive.

See also:

-Carlos Ponce and Badass Bikers Talk Cinco de Mayo, Tequila Shots, and Donkey Shows

-Cinco de Mayo 2013: Seven Best Parties in Miami

Crossfade: Briefly talk to me about the Cinco de Mayo party at Grand Central with Nadastrom, Craze, and Sabo. Are you hosting?

Pepe Billete: You know that movie The Perfect Storm, where all of the ideal conditions needed to create a monster storm come together and cause tremenda cagason? Well, this party is like that, only instead of gringos, tremendo aguacero y peste a bacalao, you have culonas en nota, tremendo moombahton, y tres pinguos coming together to create el despingue del ciglo on one of the most ratchetero friendly "holidays" of the year in the best city in the country to party in. Yes, I'm hosting.

You've invited Nadastrom and Sabo to mix live on your radio program the night before the Grand Central Party. What type of racheteria goes down when everyone gets together in the studio? You can get away with a lot more in that midnight time slot, no?

Definitely, pipo. The DJ106.7 studio basically turns into the ideal setting for any true fan of EDM. The studio is very dimly lit, the building is completely empty except for friends, a few guests and puticas que le gustan andar con las tetas al aire, and of course the best and most innovative DJs/producers in the world are mixing tremenda musica you would never hear on the radio otherwise. It's not known as the hardest show on the radio for nothing, cojones! It airs every Saturday from midnight to 2 a.m. on DJ106.7FM and is called "Afterhours con Pepe Billete."

Everyone knows that Mexican Independence Day is September 16 and that May 5 simply commemorates the Mexican army's victory over France during the Battle of Puebla. Do you have any ideas as to who the biggest pinguo at the Battle of Puebla was?

Coño papo, ahi si que me la pusiste en Chino. Embarrassingly, no, I do not. Pero if he's anything like Antonio Maceo, the biggest pinguo of the Cuban Revolution against Spain, or me, the biggest pinguo in todo el 305, he probably had a handsome mustache.

If you were a Mexican wrestler, what would your Lucha Libre name be?

Pascual Angulo.

Why?

Porque te parto el culo.

You're big into tiki-tiki music right now, hosting a weekly electro show en la radio. Are you into any specific Mexican DJs?

None that immediately pop into my mind I can identify as Mexican or of Mexican descent, pero I can definitely tell you with all sincerity that my favorite Ecuadoran-American DJ/Producer is Dave Nada, and my favorite Nacatamal DJ is el focking Craze. They get confused for Mexican all the time.

What's your favorite Mexican musical subgenre? I'm a sucker for ranchera.

Traditional mariachi pa la nota, followed by baladas romanticas pa la singueta.

Do you find Cinco de Mayo party traditions like tequila shots, fake mustaches, and novelty store-bought ponchos festive or offensive?

Bueno, I really don't have the grounds to find that offensive since it's a Mexican holiday and I'm not Mexican. Pero esa mierda me cai como una pata por culo when they do it during Hispanic Heritage month.

You're un marimbero. Do you fuck with the Mexican drug trade at all?

Correction, pipo, I'm a retired marimbero, and no, cartels are violent and savage and give all Spanish-speaking people a bad name. Their biggest import is la marijuana and that shit is on its way to being legalized so soon [that] the government won't have to continue wasting resources and risking lives dealing with those tipos.

Oye, did you know some pinguo grower in California named a strain of after me?

No shit. Without revealing any sources, is it available in Miami?

Not that I know of, but the grower in Cali is from Miami and used to be un marimbero here. He moved out there like five years ago and became legit and named a new strain after P$ a couple of months ago!

A significant portion of our immigrant population is comprised of honest, hard-working Mexicans who came to this country illegally in search of a better life for their families. How should the U.S. government handle those individuals?

Immigration in this country is un focking disastre y a los pobre Mexicanos, se la clavan sin vaselina. A very large part of the Cuban exiles' success in this country is attributed to the "open door" immigration policy that this country has traditionally granted us. Mexicans deserve to get that same treatment, arguably even more so than us Cubans, porque no hace mucho que Arizona, California, Texas, New Mexico, and parts of Nevada and Colorado belonged to Mexico. Acere, don't get me started on that shit, meng, que we'll be here for another hour, and our drinks are getting watery.

Over/under 60 percent, people who will call in sick on Monday after your party at Grand Central?

Como que after? If you know anything about partying with Tio Pepe or know what's up con los DJs esto, you planned your vacation time around el despingue nuclear este.

Hit me with a three-word shameless plug.

Nota, Nalgas, y NADASTROOOOOOM.

Cinco de Massive. With Nadastrom, Craze, and Sabo, hosted by Pepe Billete. Sunday, May 5. Grand Central, 697 N. Miami Ave, Miami. The party starts at 10 p.m. and tickets cost $15 plus fees via ticketfly.com. Ages 18 and up. Call 305-377-2277, or visit grandcentralmiami.com..

Pepe Billete on Cinco de Mayo and Immigration: "Pobre Mexicanos, Se La Clavan Sin Vaselina"

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