Nicki Minaj's Cheeky the Ass Implant and Four Other New Potential Personalities

See also Crossfade's show report, "Nicki Minaj and Lil Wayne Pussy Poppin' at Pink Friday Roman Reloaded Show in Miami" -- plus a 15-photo recap of Nicki Minaj in Miami.

Nicki Minaj rolls deep, traveling with so many alternate personalities that a PET scan of her head must look like the Predator's family Christmas card.

When she beez in the James L. Knight Center on July 24, expect them to all be on display: Nicki, Barbie, Roman, Martha, Rosa and, well, maybe even some new ones.

But pissing on bitches and beating you with a pad-a-lock take considerable time and concentration. That's why we're going to ease Nicki's workload by suggesting some new personalities for her show in Miami.

Courtesy of Spectrum Designs Medical
Courtesy of Spectrum Designs Medical

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Cheeky and Clarence the Ass Implants

Nicki Minaj has a really big ass. Grand, even. Her bottom is vast enough to span the whole scope of human experience, her cheeks are the modern-day Greek masks of Tragedy and Comedy.

Nicki's sulky left cheek, Clarence, mostly moans, making a sound like a deflating balloon. So don't expect to hear from him unless Nicki's next stylistic excursion is a free jazz album called Super Double Bass.

Her right cheek, however, is a troublemaking party starter. Cheeky the Ass Implant is a scamp that does things far naughtier than using the bidet less than 30 minutes after eating. Give him a taco and a match and Cheeky'll spit so much fire it'll be a baller's two-ply lifestyle from thereon out. Expect beef with the Kardashians and with Joe Jonas's underarm merkins on the regular.

TSA image via
TSA image via

Officer Tickles, TSA

Nicki claims she was "overtly fondled" last week by a TSA agent, described by Minaj as an old lady with an accent. So don't be surprised when Officer Tickles shows up on a track, overtly fondling a RedOne beat.

Officer Tickles would have a lot of opportunities to diss Nicki's rap enemies. Possible subjects include you being so poor you don't have to empty your pockets before going through the metal detector, the boll weevils she spots in your weave going through the x-ray machine, and how she's going to pee on you three ounces at a time. Yeah, Nicki really likes peeing on people.

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