Damn it, our favorite show of the year is already over.
Like a whirlwind of confusion, corporate sponsorship, and cocaine-induced egotism, the MTV Video Music Awards blew through our living rooms last night, and we wish we could live it all over again.
Judging by last night's show, it seems some pop culture stars are about to get on their knees and do something they might regret. Of course, though, not everything sucked.
To start things off, here are the parts that didn't suck.
7. How Drunk and High Everyone Was at the Red Carpet
We've never really paid much attention to the VMA preshow, but that has forever changed after this year's disaster hour. The whole thing started with Miley Cyrus appearing with hip-hop hit-boy Mike Will Made It. She told Sway, without irony, that this was just the "beginning of her movement" and that the screaming fans meant they'd "do anything for me." Ellie Goulding literally told an interviewer she didn't know what was going on. Robin Thicke was so drunk, he let his date talk about what a genius he is. They wouldn't even let Wiz Khalifa talk during his interview, they just threw cherries at him "in case Katy Perry shoots whip cream out of her boobs." WHAT?!
6. Iggy Azalea Telling Lil Kim How to Handle Her Shit
Umm ... Is Lil Kim drunk or just old? She seemed pretty freakin' out of it last night while presenting the award for best hip-hop video. First of all, Macklemore? But what was really great was when the camera cut back unexpectedly so we could catch the Australian Iggy Azalea coaching Lil Kim about "I say blah blah, and then you say the name on the card." They cut it out of the official MTV clip, but it was priceless.
5. Taylor Swift Being a Total Bitch
Do you follow the lovelorn adventures of Taylor Swift? Well, in case you don't, one of her many ex-beaus, Harry Styles of One Direction, was in attendance last night. He's some hunky superstar from England, and though he's clearly gotten over Tay-Tay, Ms. Swift is still so pissed about their breakup that she dedicated her acceptance speech to him like an angry third-grade girl or something. She did everything but stick her tongue out and say, "Nyah." We loved it.
4. Bruno Mars' Sexy Laserfest
We never took Bruno Mars too seriously until we heard the awesome New Wave reggae-ish "Locked Out of Heaven." And last night, he continued to impress with that over-the-top "Gorilla" performance. All those lasers? All that dancing? All that chest banging? Dude definitely didn't suck.
3. Gaga Is Back!
Whoa ... Bitch be dancing and singing and changing outfits like she didn't break a hip and take a whole year off!
2. "Gay Rights Are a Human Right, There's No Separation."
First of all, Macklemore takes himself entirely too seriously. Sure, he won a bunch of awards last night. And yes, he has a positive message. But he walked around like he was the literal gayvior. Every acceptance speech was, like, the heaviest least-humble thing we saw all night. But either way, his statement about gay rights being a civil right was really so well-spoken, we can't hate on him. Think of all the pre-teens who heard that sentiment. Now, we wait to see if Macklemore decides to run for President or keep making independent white-boy rap.
1. Justin Fucking Timberlake
Actually, everything else sucked completely if compared to Justin Timberlake's 15-minute career retrospective. He said he didn't deserve to win the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award in his pleasantly humble acceptance speech. But after reminding us of all his timeless, classic chart-toppers and amazing dance moves (not to mention how actually cool the 'NSync reunion was), we'd had to say there isn't anyone who has ever come so close to Michael. White boy still run this bitch, that's for sure. Just, just watch the video.
And now ... Here's the stuff that sooo sucked.
7. That New Justin Bieber Ripoff
Okay, so, uh, who the fuck is Austin Mahone? We first caught a glimpse of this mechanical monster during the preshow. He was what they called a "new face of pop," who we assumed we would never hear of again. He's so completely a Justin Bieber ripoff that we assume he was assembled from used animatronic boy parts, just to deal with the loss of Bieber's innocence. We figured Mahone was simply an alternative, if you will, in case Bieber completely self-destructs before our eyes. Then he won the obviously rigged "Artist to Watch" category and his acceptance speech sounded as scripted as anything else, and his shout-out to his single mother who raised him completed the Justin Bieber clone package. We're throwing up a little bit just thinking about it.
6. Miley Cyrus' Twerking
For all this talk about Miley Cyrus twerking, you'd think she'd be good at it. Instead, she delivered the biggest what-the-fuck moment of the night. That wasn't really choreography, it wasn't really singing. But there was a lot of tongue and ratchet jelly shaking. We kind of feel bad for her, but we kinda can't wait to watch her blow up. She's the next white girl sacrifice, right?
Bruno Mars "Treasure" Wins Best Choreography?!
First of all, this song is a total ripoff of Breakbot's "Baby I'm Yours." Second, this is not the most impressive dancing we've seen all year. Sure, Chris Brown might be kind of a dick, but his moves in "Fine China" are unparalleled. And, like, Bruno Mars is just swaying in this clip. Just when we're starting to sorta like the guy ....What gives, MTV?
Kevin Hart's Freestyle
What the hell was he even doing on the stage? Not hosting, obviously. "Hot water an' hot dogs, jumping double-dutch, bitch?" Jesus.
All the Cut-Away Tracks Are EDM Jams While EDM Remains Non-Represented
WTF? The Grammys are good enough for a Best Dance category, but the VMAs don't want to give up the goods? They know how influential EDM is right now. They hired Nervo to stand there and pretend to DJ the red-carpet affair, and before and after every commercial break, we heard every major dance-floor hit of the past two years. Still, not a single dance music producer or DJ was represented, except for Daft Punk, who Taylor Swift totally snubbed as if she had no idea who the legendary robots were.
Kendrick Lamar Won Nothing
He stole the mini-performance segment, but last night, the glory was stolen from him. How dare you give Macklemore two awards while the greatest MC radio has heard in about 20 years gets snubbed?
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No Daft Punk Performance
Remind us why they couldn't appear on the Colbert Report, please. We missed a live performance for a video teaser? Superlame.