Last night, America's pop culture elite came together in Los Angeles to celebrate almost 30 years of Moonmen. It was the 28th annual MTV Video Music Awards, and it coulda been worse.
For one, Chris Brown and Drake didn't throw liquor bottles at each other while Rihanna performed new song "Cockiness." Nobody climbed on anything inappropriate or hijacked any mikes à la Kanye.
Honestly, it was kind of a quiet night. But that doesn't mean there weren't some stand-up assholes and all-around nice jobs. In case you missed it, here's what sucked and didn't suck about the VMAs.
To start things off, here are the parts that didn't suck.
7. The Set
Did you see that jagged mess of lights that Calvin Harris was spinning inside? It was totally awesome, definitely the best DJ booth in MTV Video Music Awards history. And that goes for the whole set design. It was kind of scary, described by designers as "broken glass," but it was just the kind of edge and drama the VMAs should encompass.
6. Frank Ocean
His performance was a bit shaky, especially in the beginning. But his heartfelt delivery and charming, soulful nature made up for it. This was Ocean's true unveiling. Get ready to hear "Thinking Bout You" every day on the radio. The world's in love now.
5. Kevin Hart
He wasn't the best VMA host ever. But who doesn't love Kevin Hart's jerky, goofy attitude? And he opened up the night in the most uncomfortable way possible, bringing up Drake and Brown's beef, Frank Ocean's sexuality, and Kristin Stewart's infidelity. He was straight gunnin' for the bullshit. So we applaud him. Plus, he made a good stand for getting the kids to vote in the presidential election. And that shit really matters.
4. Psy Appearance
Fuckin' Gangnam Style, yo. This Korean pop star has more than 100,000,000 views on YouTube and was just picked up by Justin Bieber's manager. His on-stage cameo at the VMAs cements his surging stardom in America. He had a lil' Korean back-and-forth with Hart, and showed the room a lot of spunk. We're not sure if the U.S.A. is ready for him. But still, Psy's whole deal is so bad, it's good.
3. Green Day
Considering Billie Joe was just released from the hospital with no voice, he and his 30-year-old band gave a rousing performance. They're the act with the second-most performances in VMA history behind Madonna, and they looked to be having as much fun as ever. They even invited the audience into the pit.
2. Rihanna and Katy Perry Being Best Friends
It was like watching the coolest, most popular girls in school sit in the reserved-section bleachers and talk about everyone's dirty laundry. Every time the mega pop-stars were on screen, we wanted so badly to know what they were saying. No doubt, it was who's been blowing who. Or who might be able to join the club now that they've won something. Or who got kicked out. And they did this cute, bestie crossover-thigh-clap thing instead of clapping like normal people. It was totally adorbs.
1. Alicia Keys and the Champion US Olympic Gymnasts
No doubt Alicia Keys delivered a killer performance of new single "Girl On Fire," but the best part of the whole shebang was seeing the little US Olympic team all dolled up and stuntin' on stage. You know it's every teenage girl's dream to be a national hero and be on MTV. And big ups to Alicia for featuring some sweet moves from Gabby Douglas.
But fuck all that gooey shit, right? Here's the stuff that sooo sucked.
7. Chris Brown's Hair
What the fuck is this douche thinking? Superblonde close cut? You look like Sisqo's dumb cousin, sent by the dragon to dance and slap bitches. The only bro that's ever pulled off the yellow fuzz is Chris Tucker in Fifth Element. Face it, you'll never be Ruby Rhod, son.
6. Ke$ha's Rage Face
This girl puts the "it" in "shit," man. When she came out to help introduce the nominees for Best New Artist, she looked even higher than Wiz Khalifa. Girl was poppin' on that Molly or something. She even tweeted a picture of herself naked backstage before the production began, brushing her teeth with pupils like flying saucers. But in the end, we guess it works. Her image is basically that of a drugged-out, glittery hobo anyway.
5. Mac Miller's Attempt to Cover Up His Stoner Face
The rich-ass up-and-coming rapper wasn't fooling anyone with those sunglasses when he came out to help present with Miley Cyrus. He said all of about two words, and one of them was "yeah." Pretty sure he ripped a bong backstage two seconds before coming out. He was so high, he was the moonman. We're not saying we were surprised, we just think it was hilarious.
4. Lil Wayne Rockin' Headphones, Oblivious to the Entire Show
Throughout the night, from nominations to Drake's acceptance speech, Lil Wayne had no idea what was actually going on. At least, we don't imagine he could have, because he never took his headphones off. Not once. He was visibly detached and rockin' out to his own soundtrack all night. Apparently, YMCMB is so big, they don't have to give shits anymore.
3. One Direction Sweep/ Total Failure of Beliebers Everywhere
What the hell, Bieber fans? We thought you were supposed to be the best? Now that you've grown up a little, you don't sit and vote for your boy no more? You're going to let this gang of pussies, One Direction, take over the heartthrob scene? Bieber didn't win one thing last night, and these new kids on the block swept the entire show! Shame on you, Beliebers. Sucks to suck.
2. Twilight Preview
On second thought, maybe this wasn't so bad after all. We needed a poop break.
1. The Cheap, Cheesy, Hollow, Soulless Feeling of It All
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Real talk ... The reason we all like making fun of the VMAs is because they totally and undeniably suck. Sure, they pump a lot of money into the production and presentation. But you can put sprinkles on a turd and we still won't eat it. Most of these performers are hacks, relying more on their packaging than any real distinguishable talent. And it's all so awkward, like being forced to sit through a high-school talent show in a musty gymnasium. The best thing about VMAs is hoping Kanye will ruin someone's moment. And there was none of that Imma-let-you-finish drama this year.
So fuck 'em.