Oh, no ... They don't need no lovin', no respect. 'Cause it's all about the sex.
Even though the dudes of Mötley Crüe have all reached that advanced age when it often becomes necessary to pop a little blue pill if you wanna rock a long, strong, and sustained erection, they've just unleashed a hot and sticky new release.
And yes, it's called "Sex."
Screeching and sighing, the Crüe's 51-year-old lead screamer Vince Neil sounds like a pitch-corrected, Viagra-popping tomcat while bass guy Nikki Sixx, 53, lays down licks and puckers his lips; notorious schlong man Tommy Lee, 49, pounds the skins; and elder axe-slinger Mick Mars, 61, strangles his instrument in the style of a glam-metal S&M sesh.
Sure, mascara-wearing rock 'n' roll dicksmanship might seem a little anachronistic in 2012. But this glittery, pheremone-soaked ode to boning is undoubtedly classic Crüe. "Sometimes, every band strays a little bit," Mars explains, musing on "Sex" and his band's legacy of awesomely sleazy riffage. "You experiment. But you always get back to the roots."
And really, what are the Mötley dudes' roots except furious humping, frenzied drugging, and feathered headbanging? It almost makes an '80s baby wonder if Vince, Nikki, Tommy, and Mick plan to follow up with Crüe tunes called "Drugs" and "Rock 'n' Roll."
"Yeah, that's a good question!" Mars laughs. "Right now, we're out on tour. But after we're done with the road, there's bound to be a bunch of things headed in that direction, like 'Girls' and 'Feelgood' And we'll be getting back to the good old rock days."
Of course, though, those "good old rock days" began three decades ago. In fact, the Crüe sprung onto the scene in 1981. And after a lifetime of cock-rocking 'round the world, these four middle-aged men continue to stuff their throbbing crotches into leather pants, strut out onto the stage amid fireballs, and shove their junk into 20,000 screaming faces. But the inevitable creep of time's gotta infringe a bit on one's ability to lead a balls-to-the-wall superstar lifestyle.
So as a rocker enters his 60s, does he cut down on his groupie encounters? Guzzle less whiskey? Nap more often? Is sex and life different for an older rock 'n' roll gentleman?
"Well, yes," Mars hisses sarcastically. "Lots of things change. One doesn't," he snickers, pausing, "I'm still no gentleman. I'm still as big an asshole as ever. Lewd and aggressive.
"But honestly, there's one thing that's really different for me ... Being sober. And it's really helped. The playing is better. The songs are better. There are some people who drink their whole lives. But thankfully, I was just like, 'Ah, I'm over this shit. Over the drug thing. Over the booze thing. Over this other thing.' It's great to be clear-headed, instead of just sitting around going, 'Huh?' like a dummy.
"I don't smoke. I don't drink. I don't have many vices, except playing my guitar too much," Mars cackles. "I guess I'm kind of a boring guy these days. But that's how I'm gonna keep going with Mötley Crüe as long as I can.
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"And even after that, I'll just keep playing and writing for TV commercials, movies, old bands, new bands, baby bands, whatever, right until it's all over. There's no way I can keep touring for the rest of my life, because I don't wanna be 75 on the road like an old goat with his head hanging down.
"But one way or another, I'll keep rockin' till I fall down. Definitely."
Mötley Crüe and Kiss. With The Treatment. Friday, July 27. Cruzan Amphitheatre, 601-7 Sansbury's Way, 7, West Palm Beach. The show starts at 7 p.m. and tickets cost $36 to $157 plus fees via livenation.com.