It's that time of the year in Miami, when surprisingly attractive reanimated corpses, demonically possessed street walkers, evil noise-addled punks, regurgitating ravers, and centerfold models mob the bars and clubs to get drunk, stupid, and possibly naked in remembrance of the dead.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, there are probably better ways to honor the departed than slamming a dozen Boiling Cauldron shots, trying to stuff your face with 666 bite-size Snickers bars, and exposing your ass because it's "totally haunted."
But who knows? You can't hear ghosts complain. Unless you've got a Ouija board. And then the doorman won't let you in.
Here are Crossfade's best Halloween 2013 parties.
See also: Miami's Halloween 2013 Party Guide
RL Grime. Tuesday, October 29, 10 p.m., Grand Central, 697 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-377-2277; grandcentralmiami.com. Tickets cost $15 plus fees via ticketfly.com. Ages 18 and up. When bass monster RL Grime growls, "I'm gonna kill you and bury your ass beneath a gravemarker emblazoned with nothing but a frowny face," he's just passing on a few Halloween-y truths: (1) Low end frequencies can be lethal; (2) Partying sometimes comes at a price; and (3) Death ain't no fun.
Halloween: Festival of Freaks. With Suenalo and Mr. Pauer, plus DJs Contra and Sharpsound. Thursday, October 31, 10 p.m., Blackbird Ordinary, 729 SW First Ave., Miami; 305-671-3307; blackbirdordinary.com. No cover. Ages 21 and up. In olden times, a Festival of Freaks was a parade of pinheads, bearded ladies, Siamese twins, hermaphrodites, and limbless men. And people paid admission for a glimpse of "the world's greatest living curiosities." But that shit was exploitative, insensitive, and politically incorrect. So these days, a freak is any person from Miami who likes to party in costume. And the fest is free.
Walloween With Robbie Rivera. With Sick Individuals. Presented by Michael Capponi, Michael Martin and Matt Werner. Thursday, October 31, 10 p.m., Wall Lounge, 2201 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-938-3131; wallmiami.com. Tickets cost $50 to $60 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Who else is sick of Halloween in boring old orange and black? Forget looking like a pumpkin and do up Walloween, a fancy-ass spook bash at the W South Beach's most awesome (and haunted?) club, starring DJ Robbie Rivera and deranged Dutch dance duo Sick Individuals. This creep rave's dress code is "Neon Day of the Dead." So even if you end up dressing like a slutty jack-o-lantern, at least you'll glow in the dark.
DJ Kaos and the Electric Pickle's Halloween Special. With Will Renuart. Thursday, October 31, 10 p.m., Electric Pickle, 2826 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-456-5613; electricpicklemiami.com. Ages 21 and up. The Electric Pickle ... It might sound like a science-project-gone-wrong from a '50s sci-fi horror flick that's big and green and cold and covered in nubs and goes thump 'n' bump in the night. But it's actually Wynwood's raddest dance club. So slip into a lab coat (with nothing underneath) and get set for the Halloween Special.
See also: 25 Creepiest Heavy Metal Album Covers
Reel Horror Ball. With Craze, Afrobeta, Armand Pena, Paul E, Psyberpixie, DJ Vertigo, and Mikey Beatz. Thursday, October 31, 8 p.m., Moore Building, 4040 NE Second Ave., Miami. Tickets cost $40 and up plus fees via reelhorrorball.com/tickets. If you've never partied with zombies, you are missing out, bro. No one knows how to have a mindless, brain-gobbling good time like the undead. So don't miss out on the Reel Horror Ball's Walking Dead-approved bash. There'll be zombie-chic merch and an undead DJ Craze and a whole mess of braaaiiinnns.
Cedric Gervais' Halloween Sh!T Show With Mednas and Nick Hogan. Thursday, October 31, 11 p.m., LIV, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-4680; livnightclub.com. Tickets cost $40 to $60 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. You know a party has become a total Sh!T Show when the VIP is suddenly packed with she-devils in lingerie, DJ Cedric Gervais finally reveals himself to be Satan, and the Hamburgler pops out of a hellmouth with pupils the size of Monster Macs.
Pimps and Hoes Halloween. With Damaged Goods and DJ Konflikt. Thursday, October 31, 11 p.m., SET, 320 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach; 305-531-2800; setmiami.com. Tickets cost $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Maybe we took too many hits off our homemade candy-apple bong, man. But let's get philosophical for a Laffy Taffy minute, because don't we all just end up being pimps and hoes for Halloween? And if so, what disguise will all of the actual pimps and hoes wear to the South Beach megaclubs on October 31?
Rat Bastard's Halloween Night. With JellyFish Brothers, Astrokats, Kenny Millions, Emile, Xela Zaid, Terrorist, Samsara, For the Virgin Mary, and others. Thursday, October 31, 9 p.m., Churchill's Pub, 5501 NE Second Ave., Miami; 305-757-1807; churchillspub.com. Ages 18 and up. Some people want a sexy Halloween. Other folks prefer a creepy Halloween. And then there are those twisted, screaming freaks -- like Miami's king of noise, Frank "Rat Bastard" Falestra -- who ache for a Halloween that'll make their aural orifices bleed till the next full moon. Welcome to Churchill's Pub, where the only trick is not going deaf and the only treat is cheap beer. No earplugs allowed.
See also: Florida's Top Ten Black Metal Bands
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Boys Noize. Thursday, October 31, 10 p.m., Grand Central, 697 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-377-2277; grandcentralmiami.com. Tickets cost $25 plus fees via ticketfly.com. Ages 18 and up. Partying too hard can suck, especially when an otherwise enjoyable All Hallows' Eve ends with a vomit sesh in the club's public restroom. But Berlin techno-house badass Boys Noize (and this party's flyer) offers a solution: What if we were all just pumpkin-heads who puked Halloween candy? Delicious!
Playboy Halloween Masquerade. With Miss July 2012, Shelby Chesnes, and Miss February 2013, Shawn Dillon. Thursday, October 31, 10 p.m., Hyde Beach at SLS Hotel, 1701 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-1701; hydebeach.com. Tickets cost $30 and up plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Can we all please agree on a new dress code for the Playboy Halloween Masquerade party? Everyone, male or female (including Miss July 2012 and Miss February 2013), must arrive in his or her best Hef costume. Now, iron your pajamas, pop a blue pill, and meet us in the grotto. This just might end up being the weirdest orgy in the history of Halloween.