Splish. Splash. Boom.
That's how our founding fathers partied it up on the Delaware River in 1776 when the Second Continental Congress approved the Declaration of Independence, proclaiming the 13 colonies autonomous over the British Empire.
While America has observed July 4 as a national holiday for the past 239 years, the Declaration was actually approved on July 2. Just as historically sound as the proclamation itself, however, is a letter written by John Adams to his wife Abigail.
"The second day of July 1776 will be the most memorable epoch in the history of America," the patriot pens. "I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated by succeeding generations as the great anniversary festival. It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires, and illuminations, from one end of this continent to the other." In other words, a nation-wide turn-up fest.
So put on that American flag bikini, rock those red-white-and-blue shades, and celebrate independence like the freedom-fighting patriot that you are with the Magic City's ten best Fourth of July parties of 2015.
Audio Junkie's Independence Day Bash. With Kenny Millions, Bruiser, the Gun Hoes, Bearings, Shark Valley Sisters, UFO Sex Scene, Jellyfish Brothers, and others. Presented by No Work Records, Purehoney Magazine, and BUFU Records. Thursday, July 2, 8 p.m. Palacio de los Jugos, 256 NW 53rd St., Miami. Friday, July 3, 9 p.m. Churchill's Pub, 5501 NE 2nd Ave., Miami; 305-757-1807; churchillspub.com. Saturday, July 4, 12 p.m. Gramps, 176 NW 24th St., Miami; 305-699-2669; gramps.com.
No other video journal in the 305 loves America more than the crew over at Audio Junkie. That's why brothers Gregorio and Eduardo Alvarez are gathering all their musically-inclined stars-and-stripes-loving friends and putting together a three-day Independence Day Bash jam-packed with live tuneage from Kenny Millions, the Gun Hoes, and a bunch of other bands. Hear that? That's the sweet sound of freedom.
Shady as F^ck! Shady Teez Eight-Year Anniversary Party with Blastromen, Exzakt vs. Shade, BFX, Code Rising, Uprokk, Jimi the Genius, Audiobotz, Soltek, Ran-D, Mekka, Medley, J-Roc, and Shady As F^ck! afterhours with Jesse Perez and VJ Psyberpixie. Thursday, July 3, 9 p.m. Therapy Miami, 60 NE 11th St., Miami; 786-542-5082; therapy305.com. Tickets cost $30 to $50 via wantickets.com. Ages 18 and up.
Hardcore electronic. Miami bass. Jesse Perez "Slangin' That D." That's Fourth of July in the Magic City for you. And this year, America's pre-birthday bash is gonna get Shady as F^ck! with all the party animals over at 60 NE 11th Street. Sure, things might get a little ratchet, especially during Mr. Nice Guy Records' afterhours set, but hey, that's the beauty of America the Great.
Erick Morillo. David Grutman's Birthday Bash with Dave Sol. Friday, July 3, 11 p.m. Story Nightclub, 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-538-2424; storymiami.com. Tickets cost $40 plus fees via flavorus.com. Ages 21 and up.
What's bigger than an Independence Day bash at one of Miami's wildest nightclubs? An Independence Day bash at one of Miami's wildest nightclubs with Eric Morillo. Not only will Story be celebrating the birth of this nation, but it will also be the birthday of the 305's biggest club rat and founder of Miami Marketing Group, David Gruntman. Known for his ostentatious party antics, we're only hoping Gruntman surprises us with bursts of red, white, and blue fireworks from behind the DJ booth.
Rush Rush Red, White, and Blue. With DJ Laz. Friday, July 3, 11 p.m. Rec Room, 1690 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-673-0199; galehotel.com/nightlife. Ages 21 and up.
When it comes to partying, Lazaro Mendez AKA DJ Laz is a natural-born leader. And as the man behind the decks at Rec Room's Red, White, and Blue bash, the Pimp with the Limp will kick-off your Fourth of July weekend with non-stop bass, hip-hop, and booty. Let freedom ring, er, bounce!
11th Annual Independance Beach Party. With Boris, Cocodrills, Vanjee, Patrick M, ALX, Allan Gallego, Bill Kelly, Donnie Lowe, Carabetta & Doons, Thinking of Us, Chiri, Yander Delgado, and others. Saturday, July 4, 12 to 11 p.m. Nikki Beach Miami, One Ocean Dr., Miami Beach; 305-538-1111; nikkibeach.com. Tickets and VIP table packages cost $20 to $1,600 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up.
Thomas Jefferson, Richard Henry Lee, and John Adams fought for our freedom, but these days, we have to fight for our right to party. At Nikki Beach's Independance Beach Party, the dance floor will be your battlefield, the beat will be your weapon, and Boris, Cocodrills, and the uhntz-uhntz superpowers of the world will be your commanders. All you gotta do is come prepared to fight the great fight, or in this case, dance till daybreak.
DJ Three. With Brad Strickland. Friday, July 4, 10 p.m. The Electric Pickle, 2826 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-456-5613; electricpicklemiami.com. Tickets cost $10 to $20 plus fees via residentadvisor.net.
DJ Three has been a champion of underground electronic music in this country for nearly a quarter-decade. His endeavors have taken him across the globe from Barcelona to Istanbul to Beirut. But no matter where he goes, he always stays true to his house and techno origins. Guess that must be why the DJ will be holding down the fort at the Electric Pickle's Independence Day rager.
Tiësto Presents Club Life. With Mednas. Friday, July 4, 11 p.m. LIV, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-4680; livnightclub.com. Tickets cost $90 plus fees via flavorus.com. Ages 21 and up.
There's no better city in the nation than the Magic City for a Netherlander like Tiësto to experience Independence Day shenanigans. So hit up the streets of SoBe and show Tijs Michiel Verwest how Miamians turn up for freedom at the 305's swankiest nightclub.
Guy Gerber. With Ms. Mada and Danyelino. Saturday, July 4, 11 p.m. Story Nightclub, 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-538-2424; storymiami.com. Tickets cost $30 plus fees via flavorus.com. Ages 21 and up.
Guy Gerber believes in nightclub equality. "You need to have some douchebags at the party," the Israeli DJ told New Times in an interview last year. And since equality is something (some) Americans believe in, the Israeli DJ should make a great Independence Day host at Story.
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S.K.A.M. Takeover. With DJs Five, Dlux, Big Ben, Prostyle, and Irie. Friday, July 4, 11 p.m. Mansion, 1235 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-695-8411; mansionmiami.com. Tickets cost $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up.
As a country based on the principles of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, America doesn't take being invaded too kindly. Unless, of course, we're talkin' Mansion's S.K.A.M. Takeover. Because there's nothing the good 'ol U.S. of A. loves more than a kick-ass party!
Strangers & Friends' Fourth of July Celebration. Friday, July 4, 11 p.m. Space, 34 NE 11th St., Miami; 305-375-0001; clubspace.com. Tickets and VIP table packages cost $20 to $750 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up.
There's no such thing as strangers ? just friends you haven't met yet. And when you're surrounded by an army of strangers and friends decked out in stars-and-stripes, you'll be compelled to befriend your fellow party patriots and toast to freedom. Happy Birthday, America! Here's to another 200 years!