Only boring people spend the season singing silly songs in the company of loved ones while getting stuffed full of fruitcake, sucking back Manischewitz, and forging lovely lasting memories.
So be cool like New Times. Go get so wasted you forget it's Christmas! Mosh till the menorah goes out! Fist-pump away the holidays!
Candyland. With Stanton Warriors, AK1200, Juan BassHead, and others. Friday, December 21, 10 p.m., the Vagabond, 30 NE 14th St., Miami; 305-379-0508; thevagabondmiami.com. Tickets cost $15 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. WTF is that rumble? Well, it isn't Saint Nick, Rudolph, and the others landing on NE 14th Street for a nog stop. Just Candyland unleashing that yuletide bass.
Space's Holiday Spectacular. With Boris. Saturday, December 22, 10 p.m., Space, 34 NE 11th St. Miami; 305-375-0001; clubspace.com. Tickets cost $20 to $40 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. When enjoying a so-called Holiday Spectacular in Space, be careful, beat freaks. Ecstatic celebrations in zero gravity can cause decompression sickness, barotrauma, and extreme dehydration.
DJ Khaled's We the Best Christmas Party. Saturday, December 22, 11 p.m., Cameo, 1445 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-532-2667; cameomiami.com. Tickets cost $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Unlike Santa Claus, when DJ Khaled squeezes into a red suit and shouts, "Ho! Ho! Ho!" he ain't just bein' a jolly good fellow. He's calling for "Bitches & Bottles." 'Cause homie got a seasonal thirst.
Jingle Bell Rock Metal Fest. Presented by Gorilla Music. With Stone Heads, Tabula Rasa, Infrofuse, and others. Sunday, December 23, 9 p.m., Churchill's Pub, 5501 NE Second Ave., Miami; 305-757-1807; churchillspub.com. Cover costs $12. Ages 21 and up. Celebrate a metalhead Xmas at Little Haiti's scuzziest rock club. Peppermint Jäger shots, a trip through the merry mosh pit, maybe even a Fraser fir in flames.
MatzoBall. Presented by the Society of Young Jewish Professionals and JDate. Monday, December 24, 8 p.m., LIV, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-4680; livnightclub.com. Tickets cost $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. How do Jews spend Christmas? Either eating Chinese food, checking out the new Barbra Streisand flick, or enjoying some MatzoBall, "a night of high-energy networking and matchmaking for singles ages 21 to 49."
Diplo. With Vice, Ruen, and Jessica Who. As part of Dirty Hairy. Wednesday, December 26, 11 p.m., LIV, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-4680; livnightclub.com. Tickets cost $40 to $60 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. If you've never heard of Dipmas, it's the annual commemoration of the birth of Wes Pentz, when ladies buss it open, bros rock a festive turtleneck, and the whole world rejoices! As Diplo himself would say: "Express yourself!"
