Who is St. Patrick and why does he have his own day? We don't know.
But we're pretty sure about the reason we can never remember it ... All those pints of Guinness, shots of Jameson, and Bushmills on the rocks.
If it weren't for the corned beef and cabbage to hold it all down, we'd be irresponsible drinkers. So before we breakdown the best Irish parties in Miami this weekend, let us remind you to take a cab, ride with a designated driver, and be careful for drunks on the road if you walk, take the bus, or ride a bike.
Drink responsibly and have a good time, you fucking leprechauns. Here's where to go.
9. Gulfstream Racing & Casino Park
Gamble much? The party starts at 6 p.m. in the walking ring, but they might as well call it the stumbling ring. And don't ever feed booze to a horse. They kick harder than grain alcohol and it's probably a felony. This party will have "authentic irish food," (hopefully not potato famine era), bands, and drink specials. At at 7:45 p.m., there will be a $1,000 bar tab giveaway. Best of all, it's free.
8. Murphy's Law Pub at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino
Yo, Drake is gonna be there. No, not the soft-singing lyricist from Young Money. We're talking about the Drake Irish Dancers, a troupe so melodiously gifted with their feet that you'll probably eat shit trying to riverdance like them. There will be traditional Irish music, bagpipes, "shamrockin' food," and plenty of fine sippin' whiskey.
7. Trio On The Bay
Shamrocktronica? We don't quite know what to make of this combination St. Patty's Day and WMC mashup. But there will be music by Doons, Le Brion, Philthy Hous, NME, Ivan Avila, Steve Love, David Montecelo, Carlos Torre, and Hype. Ladies get in free all night. It's free with a WMC badge. And there will be food and bottles available at this sexy joint on the water in North Bay Village.
6. The Hurricane Bar & Grill
Forget about St. Patrick's Day, this place is throwing a whole weekend's worth of food, music, and booze fueled fun. They are running a special called "Eat, Drink, and Smoke," with corned beef & cabbage, beer, and plenty of room to breathe (smoke) in the new outdoor patio. Throw in some bagpipers, and Celtic dancing, and you've got plenty good reason to party in the Springs.
5. George's Restaurant and Sports Grill South Miami Block Party
Aright, so it's really more of a parking-lot party, and it costs $10. But South Miami is the new Grove for college kids. So expect the U out there in full force and rockin' out with music by Live Bait, The Robby Hunter Band, Saltwater Grass, and DJ Mandy. There will also be a dunk tank, a Beer Olympics, green suds on tap, and lots of grub.
4. Lost Weekend
Keep it simple, stupid. Go get $5 Jameson and $5 Guinness till 5 p.m. at Miami Beach's Lost Weekend.
Oye, all you hooligans! We know you love whiskey, brew, and drink specials. But do not miss the lamb stew. Those chunks of meat are so tender you can still hear them "bahhhhh." There will be live Irish music during the day, Stalking Mildred starting at 9 p.m., face and body painting, and free party hats from 7 till 10 p.m. -- plus bagpipes, emerald beer, and plenty of drink specials on fine liquor like Bushmills.
The Top Two
And finally, we have to give the best St. Patrick's Day Party in Miami award to a couple of the best establishments in the country. This year, Tobacco Road and Churchill's Pub are going all out on their parties, and it's fair to say you don't get much realer than ladies cabbage wrestling at The Road or Sheer Terror at the Pub.
2. Tobacco Road
Not only will half-naked chicks wrestle in Ireland's premier vegetable matter, there will also be a sexy pickle-eating contest with music by Tilt and Oski, food trucks, a cabbage toss, a massive cabbage patch dance-off, and enough Car Bombs to melt a million drunks. The cover is only five bloody bucks.
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The place opens this fine morning at 8:45 a.m. for sports, booze, and breakfast. England plays Ireland in rugby and you can start drinking immediately. Food specials include corned beef hash and corned beef & cabbage. Guzzle snakebites, Gaelic coffee, black and tans, and plenty more all day as the night builds toward a headline set by New York hardcore monsters Sheer Terror alongside Trust No One, Nobody's Hero, On Our Own, and Hardware Youth. Show up before 9 p.m. and get in free. Get there later and it will cost you a cool $18.
Shout out to Brickell Irish Pub, Fado Irish Pub, Waxy O'Connor's, The Irish Times, Finnegan's, Finnie's on the River, and every other Irish pub and bar in Dade County. Update: And of course the great John Martin's