Once upon a time in America, the British Empire thought they could tell us what to do, and make us pay them for the privilege.
Then we kicked their ass in front of everybody, made Britain our royal bitch, and threw a big-ass party to celebrate. Ever since, we have marked the Fourth of July by busting shots off in the air and drinking them till we're under the table.
This year, we will uphold the fine American traditions of excess and consumption with more parties than you could teabag in a century. Here are the five best parties for Fourth of July weekend 2011.
5. Cuarto Poder at PAX Miami - Friday, July 1st
From the farthest reaches of modern civilization to the gutterest of
Third World countries, rap music, specifically conscious hip hop, have
armed nations of youth with the ability to navigate their mental and
physical environments through the expression of music, poetry, dance,
and visual arts. In 1999 the Cuarto Poder formed to do so in Venezuela.
Since then they have remained true to a street ethos characterized by
their "Criollo Rap" genre which is inclusive of the systemically maligned
Inca, mixed, and native cultures of Venezuela. Tonight they make their United States debut.
4. Laidback Luke - Saturday, July 2nd
He has rocked more parties than a boulder on a nightlife tour. He has
made more women shake their booties than a motel bed with magic fingers. He instills fear in the subwoofers of sound sytems worldwide for the explosive nature of his breakdowns. He may have even banged your mom. Tonight, or rather this morning, he takes his place on The Terrace, where the stars of Space shine bright as the sun that beams down through the open air party. Go now and become another notch on his belt.
3. America the Boobiful: An Independence Day Burlesque Spectacular - Sunday, July 3rd
Presented by the Glamour Goddesses with Stop The Presses, Eric Jaffe, Blaze, Lucas Peterson-Connolly, and Mauricio the Poet. Frank Zappa said it best, "Titties and Beer." One could argue they are the three most important ingredients for a fulfilling existence. Others would say that's misogynist. We reply: the independent burlesque dancing troupes of Miami are often women-founded co-ops primarily concerned with self-empowerment through adult entertainment ... Plus titties and beer.
2. JP Jams, and DJ Icue - Monday, July 4th
We may know her as the "Dirty Purdy," but we mean it in a good way, like bad words during hot sex. Plus, the joint's tagline is "No attitude, no cover, no bullshit," which ought to be written on the Statue of Liberty. This is just another Monday night party, but that's like saying "just another night in Tijuana." So prepare to rage for America. Fuck yeah!
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1. IndepenDance Weekend Pool and Beach Parties - Saturday, July 2nd - Monday, July 4th
Without question The Surfcomber Hotel is hosting the most high profile, debaucherous, international caliber talent having lineup of parties anywhere in Dade County for this monumental weekend. Between the hotel pool and South Beach, you may find yourself between two Swedish models doing the horizontal techno. When the sun comes up, the models go down, you slam another shot, and wake up in the ever blinding luminance of paradise and freedom.