As federally mandated by the United States government, the first Monday of every September is set aside for the celebration of the labor movement and all the lives lost in the workforce's never-ending war with The Man.
Of course, we're talking about Labor Day. And all across the land, every American citizen who typically spends nine hours out of every 24 slaving away like a mindless worker bee locked up in the hive will get to enjoy some booze, barbecue, and a break from the job.
The only poor suckers who've gotta punch the clock Labor Day are the rappers, strippers, bartenders, waiters, and professional party people of the world. And unfortunately, we at New Times fall into that last category. We are in the business of bingeing and balling. So we will be forced to spend our entire holiday weekend in the club, getting lap dances, boozing it up, and chain-smoking Phillie Blunts with Young Money, Uncle Luke, Gucci Mane, and the King of Diamonds.
Tyga and the Young Money Crew. Friday, September 2, 11 p.m., the Cove, 10730 NW 25th St., Miami; 305-594-3717; lacovacha.com. Tickets cost $25 to $100 via wantickets.com. Sorry, ballers. You won't be splitting a pink drink with Lil Wayne this weekend. The Young Money maniac is spending Labor Day on the West Coast. But the rest of Weezy's YMCMB crew will indeed be runnin' wild in the 305, including 21-year-old "Coconut Juice" junkie Tyga. He's planning to make fight scenes in the club and pour drinks on the rug. Sound strange? Well, puttin' the lime in the coconut and twistin' it all up can make a Tyga do some crazy shit.
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Uncle Luke and 100 Video Vixens. Saturday, September 3, 10 p.m., SoBe Live, 1203 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-725-3353; sobelivesouthbeach.com. Tickets cost $20 to $1,200 via wantickets.com. An average night of poppin' pussy and bustin' nuts with Uncle Luke (AKA Luther R. Campbell, New Times columnist and recent candidate for Miami-Dade County mayor) can get so crazy that any nonpro partier will probably black out for three days before waking up naked in a hot tub full of scalding champagne and latex jellyfish. But, homey, this ain't no average night! This is a holiday weekend! And Luke's bringing 100 video vixens to the club! We'll be surprised if you regain consciousness by Labor Day 2012.
Gucci Mane. Sunday, September 4, 10 p.m., Revolution Live, 200 W. Broward Blvd., Fort Lauderdale; 954-708-8329; jointherevolution.net. Tickets cost $30. Technically, Gucci's gig won't go down in Dade. He'll drop this live Labor Day performance at Revolution in Fort Laudy, a few miles north of the county line. But can you recall Mr. Mane's first order of business upon completing a recent three-month stint in Atlanta's Fulton County Jail? That's right — he hit up King of Diamonds to watch some strippers fistfight. So who wants to bet that Gucci is gonna bring his afterparty to the MIA?
Monday Night Fight. Monday, September 5, 9 p.m., King of Diamonds, 17800 NE Fifth Ave., North Miami; 305-999-9500; kingofdiamondmiami.com. Tickets cost $40 via wantickets.com. Wait. Did someone say, "Stripper fistfight"? Indeed we did. And this Monday, King of Diamonds and Making It Happen Entertainment will host a special Labor Day edition of their infamous Monday Night Fight. It's an entire evening of hot exotic dancers in sports bras, headgear, and gloves, just looking to knock a bitch out. And because KOD is Miami's official rap scene clubhouse, you're pretty much guaranteed to spot a whole mess of hip-hop heavies dropping stacks on the action. Just say his name: "Gucci!"