Only 13 parties? That's sooo last year.
With the passing of NYE after NYE, it becomes necessary, if you're just as addicted to bubbly and ball drops as New Times, to increase the number of hotel galas, megaclub blowouts, and downtown throwdowns on your personal end-of-year itinerary. It's called self-improvement, party people.
So in the spirit of always raging harder, here are Miami's 14 best New Year's 2014 parties.
Miami's 14 Best New Year's 2014 Parties
Pharrell and Afrojack. Tuesday, December 31, 9 p.m., Fontainebleau Miami Beach, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-538-2000; fontainebleau.com. Tickets cost $275 and up plus fees via wantickets.com. Midnight champagne toast plus premium open bar from 9 p.m. to midnight. Ages 21 and up. Everybody digs wet 'n' wild poolside uhntz-uhntz. But on a night like NYE at a swag party palace like the Fontainebleau with folks like Pharrell and Afrojack, there's no reason to rock "Happy New Year!" nipple pasties and a thong. Show some subtlety and class with a tuxedo T-shirt, clip-on bow tie, and bikini bottoms that actually cover your ass crack.
The Weeknd. Tuesday, December 31, 9 p.m., Delano Beach Club and FDR at Delano, 1685 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-672-2000; delano-hotel.com. Tickets cost $200 and up. Ages 21 and up. Admittedly, the Weeknd can be a pretty moody dude. But when he's feeling that vibe and he's got a bellyful of potion, homie perks up. So just order his favorite "White Russian and some tongue tricks" at midnight. And he might even half-smile, blow a kazoo, and say, "Welcome to 2014, girl."
Wonder Mike and Master Gee of Sugarhill Gang. With HenDogg featuring DJ T Dynasty, along with Suenalo, plus DJs Heron and Self Born. Tuesday, December 31, 9 p.m., the Stage, 170 NE 38th St., Miami; 305-576-9577; thestagemiami.com. Tickets cost $75 plus fees via wantickets.com or $100 at the door. Ages 21 and up. That's right — we said, "A-hip-hop, hippie to the hippie, the hip, hip a-hop, and you don't stop, a-rock it, to the bang bang boogie, say, up jump the boogie, to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat." Translation: Two-thirds of the Sugarhill Gang will be doin' NYE at the Design District's best club!
Tiësto's Club Life New Year's Eve 2014. Tuesday, December 31, 9 p.m., LIV, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-4680; livnightclub.com. Tickets cost $400 and up plus fees via wantickets.com. Midnight champagne toast plus premium open bar from 9 p.m. to midnight. Ages 21 and up. What are the signs that you've ascended to the absolute tippity-top of Club Life? There's a private jet in the garage with your name on it. You've got an umlaut over the second vowel in your name. And you can nonchalantly command $50,000 for several bottles of premium booze, some festive party favors, and approximately eight hours of New Year's Eve fist-pumping.
Pitbull's New Years Eve II. With Prince Royce and Jump Smokers. Tuesday, December 31, 9 p.m., American Airlines Arena, 601 Biscayne Blvd., Miami; 305-532-2667; aaarena.com. Tickets cost $55 to $175 and up plus fees via ticketmaster.com. When Pitbull changed his nickname from Mr. 305 to Mr. Worldwide, la gente got worried that Dat Lil Chico had somehow forgotten he'd come straight off la esquina. But nah, papo still finds time for Calle Ocho, meet-and-greets at local fondue restaurants, and arena-size NYE parties that even abuelita can afford. ¡Dale!
Lil Wayne. Tuesday, December 31, 9 p.m., Cameo, 1445 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-532-2667; cameomiami.com. Tickets cost $75 and up plus fees via wantickets.com. Midnight champagne toast plus open bar from 9 p.m. to midnight. Ages 21 and up. It's true that 2013 wasn't the greatest year for relations between Lil Wayne and proud 305ers. (If you need a reminder: "Fuck LeBron! Fuck She-Wade! Fuck Chris Bosh! And, and, and I fucked Chris Bosh wife!") But c'mon, y'all, let's start the New Year with a champagne toast and some forgiveness. To paraphrase the Weezman himself: He know not who he pushin', bro.
Paul van Dyk. As part of Take Me to Space 2014. With Paco Osuna, Louis Puig, Patrick M, Hector, Austin Leeds, ALX, and Mark M. Tuesday, December 31, 10 p.m., Space, 34 NE 11th St., Miami; 305-375-0001; clubspace.com. Tickets cost $50 to $60 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Is it even possible to pop the cork on a bottle of bubbly in outer space? And how do you dance to trance in zero gravity? Ask those questions and many others when Paul van Dyk takes us to Space for NYE.
French Montana. Tuesday, December 31, 9 p.m., Bamboo, 550 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-695-4771; bamboomiamibeach.com. Tickets cost $50 and up plus fees via wantickets.com. Open champagne bar, complimentary buffet, and midnight toast. Ages 21 and up. If you're a baller like French Montana, it's a basic job requirement to know how to throw a proper end-of-year party. There should be gratis drinks for the thirsty ladies, free food for the hungry mofos, and a VIP full of "Freaks" willing to function as human furniture. Or as French prefers to phrase it: "Go and bend it over/Let me plank on it/Put a drink on it."
Danny Daze and Justin Martin. Presented by Link and Miami Rebels. Tuesday, December 31, 11 p.m., Treehouse, 323 23rd St., Miami Beach; 305-614-4478; treehousemiami.com. Tickets cost $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. What does New Year's Eve on Miami Beach sound like? Big, fat blasts of bass and a marathon ass-clappin' sesh. So bust into 2014 with Dirtybird Records co-owner Justin Martin and Miami-bred, Berlin-based 808 devotee Danny Daze. As Mr. Martin would say: "Expect genre-blurrin', booty-shakin', speaker-rattlin', panty-droppin' bliss."
Robin Thicke. With Skylar Grey. Tuesday, December 31, 9 p.m., SLS South Beach Hotel, 1701 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-1701; slshotels.com/southbeach. Tickets cost $500 and up plus fees via wantickets.com. Midnight champagne toast. Ages 21 and up. Officially, the SLS Hotel's NYE bash is a Gatsby-inspired soiree. So guests are being asked to wear Roaring Twenties attire, like era-appropriate tuxes and fringed flapper dresses. But because Robin Thicke is headlining (and this is Miami), there's bound to be at least one pompadoured guy in a black suit with his shirt undone to the belly button who shows up with a gaggle of girls in nude suits. Hey, hey, hey.
Jacuzzi Boys. With Afrobeta, Millionyoung, and Jean Jacket. Tuesday, December 31, 10 p.m., the Vagabond, 30 NE 14th St., Miami; 305-379-0508; thevagabondmiami.com. Tickets cost $25 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 18 and up. What? You didn't get your personalized NYE party invitation from Miami's best rock 'n' roll band, Jacuzzi Boys? Well, it was covered in palm tree stickers, said "we can't wait to dance away 2013 with you," and mentioned something about a bleeding pineapple run through with a sword that'll fall from the ceiling at midnight. Then it concluded tenderly, "Besos, JBs."
Genesis. Wednesday, January 1, 8 a.m. to 5 p.m., Mansion, 1235 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-695-8411; mansionmiami.com. Tickets cost $75 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. "NYE is for amateurs." Just ask Tracy Young. The pros, like Young and her Genesis New Year's Day Party cohorts, go clubbin' at 8 a.m. after a nice, refreshing night's sleep. Or at least a bowlful of Wheaties and Red Bull.
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Eric Prydz. With Dave Sol. Wednesday, January 1, 10 p.m., Story, 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-538-2424; storymiami.com. Tickets cost $40 to $75 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. How does Stockholm-born, Los Angeles-based electronic dance music genius Eric Prydz determine that a New Year's Day set is pure magic? "Your goose bumps get goose bumps." Coincidentally, that's also an effective method for detecting potentially psycho one-night stands on South Beach.
Deadmau5 Unhooked. Wednesday, January 1, 10 p.m., Mansion, 1235 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-695-8411; mansionmiami.com. Tickets cost $150 and up plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. The King Rat hates everything. Well, almost everything. He thinks EDM is just an acronym for "event-driven marketing." And according to the official hype for this Unhooked party, he also "doesn't like being called a DJ." But New Year's Day parties — awwwesooome.
Happy 2014, party people!