Yesterday, the city's air traffic controllers and plastic surgeons called in sick to get their party on at the Miami Heat championship parade.
Braving the white hot heat for their White Hot Heat, they stood shoulder to shoulder (and occasionally, grinding ass to unsuspecting child looking for her mother) to celebrate our city's heroes in front of the very arena in which the Heat won the 2012 NBA title.
Join us as we relive some select moments from the parade in all their stuttery GIF glory.
Heat 2012: We Are Miami.
They came from all over to see the Heat parade past the American Airlines Arena, no matter what it took. In this Metrorail car alone, there are more people than those who rode the Metrorail all 364 other days of the year combined.
A guy had been selling bootleg shirts about ten feet from where this guy dropped his box and started yelling, "Five dollars! Five dollars!"
We asked the ten dollar guy why the other guy's shirts were half price. "Because they're pieces of shit, man."
So here's a guy dropping a box of shit on the sidewalk and selling the pieces for five bucks per. Always hustling, Miami.
These gals were just out trying to make a buck so when a passerby shouted, "If you want my money, you're going to have to shake it," they did the best they knew how.
He did not buy a shirt.
"May I have your attention, please. May I have your attention...please?"
This asshole carries two giant snakes and a motorized tricycle everywhere he goes, lest someone not notice him and he ceases to exist.
The guy -- seen here making that hottie on the left nearly bash her flawless knees on the fire hydrant -- then pushed his way into the crowd and kept yelling at little children who tried to touch his snakes, "Watch it! They bite." Then he'd stare at their parents like they were the dicks for bringing their slithery kids from home.
"Are those swords?"
"Actually, I call them Heat Wavers. You wave one of these, LeBron is guaranteed to see you in the crowd."
"A real sword would probably work better."
"Yeah, but these are two for five dollars."
Probably should have gone with a cobradick, but he's the businessman, not us. Check out Balloonski.com if you want LeBron to see you in the crowd at your child's birthday party.
Keep in mind that it was like 95 degrees out and this makes even less sense. Of course, he'd be no worse a mascot than this fucking loser:
Finally, the Heat arrived! This was after several busses and fire trucks full of people who were not the Heat.
Everyone flipped out, including the guy on the left who wants the Heat to see his Kobe Bryant jersey. Should have gotten a Heat Waver. Afterwards the LA fan, out of habit, flipped a cop car to celebrate the win.
When the Heat won, it was like all of us won. Not everyone, however, got to hold the trophy over his head. Not for a lack of trying, though.
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