Oh, King of Diamonds, the adult entertainment megaplex complete with barbershop, basketball court, and, of course, mountains upon mountains of b-b-booty .... We here at Crossfade love KOD more than anyone else in America.
Except, of course, acclaimed international pop-rap superstar Lil Wayne, whose frequent and decadent jaunts to South Florida's contemporary urban Gomorrah are the stuff of legend.
Anyway, as reported by TMZ, everybody was at King of Diamond's a few nights ago to watch Wayne officiate a boxing match between strippers and the footage deserves nothing less than an extremely detailed breakdown.
TMZ has a great logo. We love the way the animation literally makes it pop. In these disorienting, economically strained times, it's nice to have something to believe in.
Our story begins en media res with (an ostensibly sober) Weezy surrounded by ten-million goons and a particularly attentive shawty to his right. For a minute-plus clip of strippers fighting, this film was edited by a genius! What are they watching? What is the shawty pointing at? Can anyone hear Lil Wayne's commentary? Nothing says art house like watching people watching.
And then after properly stoking our anticipation, TMZ goes deep with some crucial footage of a stripper in purple booty shorts wailing on another (seemingly doomed) stripper (who BTW is wearing black booty shorts). The not-seen-on-camera announcer is "OH! OH! OHHHH!"-ing like he's giving birth, perfectly articulating each and every blow Ms. Purple lands on Ms. Black.
But enough about boxing strippers ... Let's back to our hero and maybe-potentially-but-probably-not The Best Rapper Alive, Weezy F. Baby.
Wayne tries to say something into the mike. But, uh, it's not working. So he hands it to a lackey who, uh, tries to say something into the mic. But it's still not working! Question: Why would someone else using it fix it? We imagine Wayne's day is packed, from sun up to down, with "Somebody fix this!" hand-offs. Dude has no idea how shit works! Maybe he should watch that show, How Shit Works, or whatever it's called.
Alright, mike's working. And Wayne's got something to say, presumably on the subject of gentleman's club performers bludgeoning each other with fists of rage.
Lil Wayne makes a bunch of noises that sure do sound like words. But, uh, really don't make any fucking sense. For a change.
Pay attention to Weezy's interaction with his shawty when he tries to get her to hand him the money. Crossfade must express supreme gratitude to the Universe for allowing us to be part of an age in human civilization where confused psychosexual idiocy can be forever preserved on the YouTubes.
It may look like Wayne is farcically counting the stack before him. But, no, he really is counting it. Dude hangs out at the bank so much he picked up a trick or two. And, y'know, it ain't trickin' if you got it.
Rapper and stripper nonchalantly exchange ziplock bag filled with cash. The MC desperately tries to keep the night going by inviting anyone from the audience to square off against a stripper. Or maybe another audience member. Or perhaps the lesser of Weezy's expansive entourage. Either way, his desperate "Anybody?" is met with total silence.
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When future civilizations teach about the United States empire, they'll point to TMZ as the ultimate marker of our decadent decline.