Kat Stacks's Top Ten Twitter Tips for Hoing Like a Total Pro

Every ho's gotta have a hero. Even Miami's current reigning queen of ass, Kat Stacks, looks up to someone. (Catch Kat at Dream tonight.) And if you've been monitoring her Twitter feed lately -- but really why would you, unless you want your brain to melt? -- perhaps you've noticed Ms. Stacks quoting liberally from Lil Kim's compendium of street knowledge.

September 22 at 9:17 p.m.: "Go 'head tell 'em why you mad, cause you broke & you sad & aint nobody tryna fuck you. - Lil Kim"

Indeed ... Point is, Stacks herself is some skank-in-waiting's Lil Kim. And she's teaching a graduate course in "How to Ho Like a Pro" via Twitter. Welcome to the 21st century, people.

10. "H.A.T.E.R.S = H.aving A.nger T.owards E.veryone R.eaching S.uccess"

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Turning a loaded word into an acronym is a very useful teaching tool. Here Professor Stacks employs this pedagogic trick to illustrate envy for all her little ones. First lesson, ladies, is you gonna get hated on. But don't sweat the flatass, chicken-necks! Them bitches just be jealous! Really, it's all about self-esteem.

9. "Think twice before cheating o_O http://tinyurl.com/2v58sem"

Another basic tenet: Every aspiring ho needs to realize that she's not invincible. In addition to STDs and stalkers, there are other dangers. Like pissing off your main man. (See the above TinyURL. Holy shit, right?) Say or do some dumb shit and you might get a knife in your implant.

8. "I never cheat on a man I love unless it's for revenge"

Yes, this one (somewhat) contradicts the lesson learned above. But not really 'cause Professor Stacks never said, "Don't cheat!" You gotta listen closer, little ho. She said, Think twice. There are plenty of good reasons for creeping around behind your man's back, like revenge (duh), money, drugs, food, fun, Ferraris, hair extensions, jewelry, diamonds, new boobs, boredom, etc.

7. "I never yell a niggas name who's fucking me, that's why they will never catch me slippin' hehe :)"

No matter how much you don't want to cheat, it's gonna happen. (See http://tinyurl.com/2v58sem.) So, since double-dealing (and sometimes triple- or quadruple-dealing) is an inevitable hazard of the ho game, every smart, self-possessed female's gotta stay sharp and control her emotions. Protect yourself with preemptive strategies like "never yell a niggas name who's fucking me." Instead, use generic terms such as "daddy," "baby," or, for that matter, "nigga."

6. "You will never catch me at the Gym"

When a young ho starts juggling a bunch of big commitments (multiple midnight booty calls from major-label recording artists, paid-in-advance megaclub appearances, her very own celebrity line of vaginal douches, etc.), life gets real hard. The key to easing your hoing load: Time fucking management. And that means no goddamn workouts, girl.

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