¡Ay Cojones!
Justin Bieber's balls are safe. Phew.
However, Canada's most popular pair of 18-year-old pop nuts came mighty close to soaking in some sick fuck's mason jar full of formaldehyde.
Police say that convicted murderer and rapist Dana Martin hired Mark Staake and his nephew Tanner Ruane, two men he met at Southern New Mexico Correctional Facility in Las Cruces, to castrate and kill the "Baby" singer and his bodyguard following a recently sold-out gig at Madison Square Garden, according to Billboard.
But luckily, police intervened before the would-be assassins got away with Bi-Bi's testes. Check out an extremely detailed breakdown of the murder and castration plot after the cut.
See also:
-Justin Bieber Pukes on Stage!
-Justin Bieber's Sex Tape: An Extremely Detailed Breakdown
-Justin Bieber's Fans Want To Breathe His Farts, Shower In His Vomit
Love at First "Baby"
In 2000, well before Bieber blew up, Martin, a bona fide piece-of-shit individual, raped and murdered a 15-year-old high school sophomore in Vermont circa 2000. After being convicted, the soulless waste of flesh and bones was transported to a prison in Las Cruces "for his own safety," according to Albuquerque's KRQE, where he'd eventually fall in love with Bieber's falsetto.
Naturally, as Southern New Mexico Correctional Facility's biggest Belieber, Martin reaffirmed his passion for the Biebz with a prison tattoo.
However, once Bieber's balls dropped and his voice changed, Marin's favorite pop star was virtually unrecognizable.
All-Time Low
Clearly, Marin skipped that episode of the Brady Bunch where Peter's voice drops a few octaves as his body experience "Changes."
He felt cheated after Bieber stopped sounding like a pre-pubescent tween girl and developed the pipes of a strong, young man.
Naturally, the next logical step for Martin to take was to find an equally demented con whose prison release date coincided with the Northeastern leg of Biber's Believe Tour.
Hi, I'm Mark
Prison's a great place to meet like-minded friends if, of course, by like-minded you mean bat-shit crazy, dangerous, and murderous. Such was the case for Martin when he met fellow inmate Mark Staake.
We figure that the conversation went something like this:
Martin: Justin Bieber needs to die. Do you know anyone who can strangle him with a paisley pattern necktie?
Staake: Yeah. I'm getting out soon. My nephew and I can do the job.
Martin: Really? That'd be great. Thanks. Would you mind castrating the kid also?
Staake: No, I'd love to.
Martin: Perfect. Before I forget, can you kill a few people in Vermont for me?
Staake: Not a problem. All I need are the names and addresses.
Martin: Wonderful. I'll shoot you a text via carrier pigeon next week. Thanks again.
Green Mountain Jail
The problem with Vermont--or any state, for that matter--is that if there's an outstanding warrant for your arrest and you're picked up by the authorites, you're probably going to jail. Staake can attest.
Police arrested the 41-year-old criminal and his 23-year-old nephew, Tanner Ruane, before either could commit the heinous crime, apprehending both men six-miles from the Canadian border in mid-November.
According to the New York Post, Staake was charged with violating probation and sent to jail. Ruane, however, was released, free to execute the original murder plot.
Change of Heart
Prison can drive a person crazy, especially if said person's serving back-to-back life-sentences.
Though parole is not an option for Martin, the 45-year-old convict had a change of heart and decided to help police find Ruane, thus foiling his own plan to have Justin Bieber killed and castrated.
WTF, right?
A day after being apprehended and subsequently released by authorities in Vermont, Ruane was picked up by police in Rotterdam, New York, a direct result of Martin's tip.
"Troopers recovered tools and documents associated with the conspiracy while executing a search on Ruane's 1983 BMW," State Police said (via NY Post). "The documents included the identities of the intended victims, their family members and their whereabouts."
As for Bieber's balls, they're safe. Though he may want to start pulling his pants up.
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