What would you do to get a glimpse of Justin Bieber?
Personally, we here at Crossfade would stop at nothing short of an epic backstage break-in, tying up security guards and stealing their clothes, crawling through air vents, and oh-so-sensually seducing tour bus drivers.
But, uh, we'd definitely draw the line at waiting outside of a bathroom while the Biebz drops a deuce. Which, it seems, is way more than your average paparazzo can say.
Today, a video emerged via celeb gossip blog Perez Hilton, starring a nimrod paparazzo herd that just couldn't wait for Bieber to do his business before they harassed the fuck out of him.
What a bunch of creeps ... See Crossfade's extremely detailed breakdown after the cut.
Our feature opens with the indignant, disbelieving cry of "Really?!" and a bunch of idiots standing around. And like squawking seagulls circling a heap of sewage, this bunch of idiots narrates its own idiocy with neither shame, nor embellishment: "We are here, actually waiting for Justin Bieber to come out of the bathroom."
"Justin Bieber will be here any second." Seriously, how witty can you expect the banter to be when it's coming from some paparazzo camped outside of a public restroom. Thank god there is a quick shot of a chef in full regalia to keep things entertainingly surreal and not just weirdly boring. Is waiting for Justin Bieber to finish taking a shit the YouTube era's version of Waiting For Godot?
At this point, our cameraperson has begun to ponder what exactly the Biebz is doing in there. Our guess: Peeing, pooping, praying, crying, or Tweeting.
Wait a minute ... Is this a flash mob? Or are these guys just a bunch of those Occupy hippie-sters? Uh, you're telling us all of these people are seriously waiting for Justin Bieber to, like, walk out of the bathroom?
"It's awful," one of these idiots says about waiting outside of a bathroom for Justin Bieber. "It's so bad." The only people who hate the paparazzi more than Justin Bieber is the paparazzi itself.
The best part of this entire video is the one dude who exits the bathroom and disappoints everyone. He is now and forever anointed Not Justin Bieber After Dropping a Deuce.
Things start getting a little existential as one of our "narrators" dives right into the meaty heart of the matter: "The question is: Will he ever come out?
The answer comes a second later as JB is quickly escorted from the bathroom by his handlers (fondlers?), giving us a five second glimpse of the not-a-boy-not-yet-a-man wonder.
You'd think our heroes would rejoice in ecstasy at having finally justified their lives, like those videographers who camp out in Amazonian trees to get ultra-rare footage of caterpillar erotica and finally score their money shot. But, no ... These lackeys keep it dry, simple, and stupid: "Justin Bieber ... Coming out of the toilet."
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And for dessert how about a poorly-received poop joke? P.S. Leave Justing Bieber alone!