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Justin Beiber's Six Most NSFW Moments

Ah, little Justin Bieber. He's little no more. Our heart Biebz with joy every time he makes a headline, and these days, every headline is dirtier than the last.

Because he's a man, he can't twerk his way into adulthood. He could probably get Terry Richardson to take his nudie photos, but that would be even creepier than when Disney princesses eff Arizona Ice Teas. So Bieber has to systematically destroy his good-boy image through a carefully planned series of dick-pic slips, Billy Jean-type baby scares, and trips to the Brazilian brothel.

You've come a long way, Bieby. This is your life.

See also: Miley Cyrus' Guide to Drugs: Weed, Cocaine, Molly, and More!

Bieber Gave Me a Baby

It all began when the Biebz was very young. A woman in San Diego named Mariah Yeater came out claiming Bieber was the father of her three-month-old son. Now, baby scares happen when you're famous, but the really freaky part was that the child would have been conceived in 2010, back when the teen heartthrob was, uh, 16 years old. To make it even more strange, the woman told reporters Bieber approached her and made giving up his virginity part of the deal. It turned out the woman was lying, unsurprisingly, but it still made for great gossip.

See also: Justin Bieber Loses Virginity, Lasts 30 Seconds, Allegedly Fathers Bastard Child

Justin Beiber's Six Most NSFW Moments

Dick Pics Galore

Do you remember when Justin Bieber had his laptop stolen in Tacoma, Washington, and it turned out to be just a giant marketing scheme to promote his new music video for "Beauty and the Beat" featuring the inherently NSFW Nicki Minaj? Well, even if you don't, it was a nasty trick by his PR team, but it wasn't entirely fruitless. These totally hot, totally risqué nudie photos "leaked." Biebers clever PR team calls the photos fakes, and his millions of Bieliebers agree (something about his nipples and his bellybutton), but damn, we still enjoy looking at this just the same.

See also: Gwar Murders Justin Bieber, Pope Francis, Royal Baby in Fort Lauderdale

 

High as Fuhk

Justin Bieber is Canadian, and that means he didn't grow up with the same weird weed stigma us Americans have. In Canada, it's totally cool to get your smoke on, so it's obviously totally cool to Instagram a video of yourself being stoopidly stoned. That doesn't mean it won't cause a stir on the other side of the Niagara. Later, marijuana was discovered on his tour bus in Detroit, although the singer was not in the ride, and therefore was not arrested or charged with possession. He was also found carrying drugs in Sweden, though he evaded charges on that count as well. All you need to know is, bro parties.

See also: Justin Bieber Joins #HeatNation, Parties at Miami Strip Club

Pukey Pukey

No matter how rich and famous a person gets, everybody poops and everybody throws up. Bieber works hard for the money, so hard for the money. So one day in Pheonix, Arizona, his whirlwind schedule of singing, dancing, drinking, and touring caught up with the kid. In the middle of his performance, son just had to bend over and barf. Thank goodness someone caught the ralph on camera. It brings a little touch of realness to the superstar lifestyle, no?

See also: Justin Bieber's Fans Want To Breathe His Farts, Shower In His Vomit

 

A Drop in the Bucket

By far, our favorite Bieber NSFW story is this bizarre act of adolescent defiance. Look, we've all get drunk and done stupid shit when we're young. For instance, we once filled a gas can and lit a chunk of suburban field on fire because we were bored. Then we ran away and kept burning things, such as giant crosses and our initials, in the dirt of a construction site ... NBD. The only difference was we weren't a pop star and no one was filming it. When Bieber got drunk and decided to pee in a bucket while screaming, "Fuck Bill Clinton," we really felt like we understood him. Being young is freakin' awesome. You have to get away with stupid shit while you still can.

See also: Jews For Jesus vs. Justin Bieber: Four Reasons the Biebz Isn't as Cool as Christ

Bieber Does Brazil

Justin has been on an NSFW rampage in the beautiful, dangerous world of fake asses and Portuguese. It's been his most exciting adult vacation to date! He started off with a glorious urban tagging session, forgetting the world and getting lost in what he calls "my escape," spraypainting some pretty pictures on the walls. It just so happens that he drew a rather racist monkey, complete with Basquiat-esque crown and gold chain. It's a very WTF moment. Then he was photographed leaving a known whorehouse. And later, a woman who's been rumored to be some kind of prostitute released a totally creepy video of the young pop star passed out on a poorly made bed. Did he hit it? He says no, but no one can know for sure.

Oh, the Biebz looks so peaceful and innocent when he sleeps. But we know better.

Follow Crossfade on Facebook and Twitter @Crossfade_SFL.

Follow Kat Bein on Twitter @KatSaysKill.


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