Juggalos, Rebecca Black, and Three Other Crappy Music Cruises We Hope Never Set Sail
Why are music cruises all the rage? Is it some kind of reactionary Great Recession diversion for those few who can actually afford it?
Back in February, Miami's young-adults-in-leather-jackets got a taste of the open seas with the garage rock-themed Bruise Cruise. Atlanta scuzzballs Black Lips were there. So were hometown heroes Jacuzzi Boys, and anyone who had the $700-plus to get down like The Fonz skiing over sharks for kicks.
The phenomenon is not losing any steam (well, Bret Michaels's Super Cruise did) with Rivers Cuomo and Weezer announcing last week that they'll be embarking on their own luxury voyage -- not to mention upcoming music cruises featuring Kiss, the Backstreet Boys, and Elvis impersonators.
5. Jimmy Buffet and Barry Manilow's Bore Tour Cruise
It's no surprise that there are multiple cruises setting sail in honor of number-one beach bum and Top 40 trop-pop stain Jimmy Buffett. (Our "favorite" is the Jimmy Buffet Cruise to Parrotdice.) Jim's lost salt shaker makes for a great soundtrack when gorging oneself poolside. But what about the evening, when you are so pumped full of frozen booze that your tears are alcoholic and icy? Well, that's when you bust out Manilow, who's big-band caterwaul will satisfy your deep desire to get shitty like your grandparents.
4. Rebecca Black's Partyin', Partyin' (Yeah) Cruise
We envision a music cruise featuring Rebecca Black to be a painfully droll recreation of the high-school experience. Ameninities include complimentary bowls of cereal and rappers who bust out of nowhere to perform at the last minute.
3. Ted Nugent's Human Cattle Experience Cruise
Some cruise ships have bowling alleys. Others have ice rinks, shopping malls, and entire swaths of civilization plugged into a floating vacation. Well, Ted Nugent's Human Cattle Cruise features a sweltering, buggy jungle in which you fight for survival while a hidden Nuge lurks in the shadows, waiting for you to unknowingly set yourself in the crosshairs of his golden crossbow.
2. Lil B's #Based Cruise
Now, a Lil B cruise doesn't necessarily need to be crappy. In fact, if you gathered up all of the celebrities Based God claims to resemble (Lindsay Lohan, Ellen Degeneres, Bill Bellamy, etc.), you might have the fixins for a pretty surreal weekend. But something tells us a trip on the Based Boat might greater resemble his performance at Eve last month. So your voyage will not only include day trips to nearby islands and a fully-stocked spa, but every night Lil B will present himself on the hull of the deck for your worship.
1. Insane Cruise Posse
At first, we figured whipping up a hypothetical Juggalo Cruise was like shooting fish in a barrel. These dudes are already the internet's default punching bags. So why add to the mountain of digital detritus? Well, because they're murderous clowns who rap and soak their sloppy fans in soda. The Insane Clown Posse are master merchandisers and the Juggalo lifestyle is so immersive that we figured it would be perfectly adaptable to the cruise format. Pools filled with Faygo, nightly performances from Coolio and Twiztid, and that essential ICP show-me-your-tits camraderie would all be on deck.
Well, guess what? A little "research" (Googlin') revealed that multiple Juggalo cruises already exist. Something is definitely wrong when reality is stranger than Crossfade's celebrity fan fiction.
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