Yet according to Crossfade's own personal bible, the end of the world would be heralded by five terrifying occurrences: (1) Steven Tyler would fall off a stage in Sturgis, South Dakota, and immediately begin dressing like a 75-year-old ex-Vegas showgirl with a million-dollar plastic surgery gift card; (2) J-Lo's career and her beautiful butt would suddenly, simultaneously, and inexplicably deflate; (3) Simon Cowell would launch a cover occult plan to destroy prime-time television, code named The X-Factor; (4) Iggy Pop would perform "Real Wild Child" on April 7, 2011 before a near-comatose crowd of soccer moms, paid audience members, and reality TV bloggers; and finally (5) Ryan Seacrest would form a four-man posse (he, Larry King, the TMZ guy, Sanjayah) and dive heavily into the equestrian arts.
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Prepare to witness Sign of the Apocalypse #4. The end is nigh.