Can you hear that tropical drum? It's just our beat-freaking hearts pounding in feverish excitement for the official embarkation of Hard's second annual electronic music cruise, Holy Ship!!
Honestly, have you seen the artist and activity schedule? It's gonna be three days on the high seas with Ed Banger, Dirtybird, Boys Noize, Mad Decent, and tons of other acts. And when we say high, we mean you're gonna be too effed up to make a single sensible decision all weekend.
So don't take chances. Prepare with New Times' handy Holy Ship!! Survival Guide. That way, when it's time to sail, you'll be entirely ready to uhntz-uhntz on a boat for 96 hours straight.
Holy Ship!! 2013
Holy Ship!! 2013: With Justice, Boys Noize, Diplo, and 33 others. Friday, January 4, to Monday, January 7, aboard the MSC Poesia, boarding at Port Everglades, 1850 Eller Dr., Fort Lauderdale. Tickets are sold out. Visit holyship.com.
Leave the Internet at home. We'll be on a 3,000-person boat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. And the Internet service sucks. So yeah, you could spend money on some kind of transmission device to ruin your vacation by keeping up on useless social media and work emails. Or you could go balls deep into pre-'90s-esque freedom from the web. Don't worry — when we get back to South Florida's shores, you can spend the ride home Instagramming everything you did. Till then, the online world can wait.
Bring a Sharpie and clear nail polish. This goes for guys too. And no, we don't want you to try to do your nails while the boat's a-rockin'. The thing is all these amazing artists are going on this crazy nautical journey with us. At any moment, you might run into Diplo, A-Trak, or Justice's Gaspard Augé and Xavier de Rosnay. Then you'll ask them to sign your shoe, cell phone, or cigarette case. And you'll have to seal the autograph, pronto. Thus, clear nail polish. You're welcome.
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End your diet. Yes, we've all been watching our carb intake, stretching our bodies, and running stadium laps at dawn every day since booking a Holy Ship!! cabin months and months ago. Clearly, we're in the best shape of our lives and are ready to party. But there's no need to bring the calorie counter to a cruise. The food is free! Eat it all! Enjoy the never-ending sundae bar! You'll never stop feeling cracked out if you don't indulge. We're sure to dance it all off anyway.
Carry condoms, and more condoms. We're in tip-top shape. You know what that means? Sex party! We're all adults. In fact, everyone's gotta be 21 or older just to be on board. So it's highly likely, with all the love drugs and alcohol and Dirtybird DJs playing everywhere, someone is gonna get laid. But ladies, don't rely on the fellas. And fellas, shut the hell up and use protection already. Also, bring extras for your stupid bros who think with their blood-engorged members. Friends don't let friends have unprotected sex.
Bring cheap sunglasses. Your expensive, polarized, supercute shades? Don't bring them. You're gonna be wasted. Do you know how pissed you'll be if they fall overboard? Or get swiped? Or lost in the sand? It'll ruin your vacay. In fact, don't bring anything of immense personal or monetary value. It's not worth the hassle and worry. Grab some cheapo crap on the way to port, plus a back-up pair, and you're set.
Pack aloe vera. White people, you'll get sunburned. Black people, white people will love you for having a bottle of aloe vera in your bag. Sure, most cruisers remember to bring sunscreen. But when you pass out on the deck at 4 a.m. and wake up red as a beet at noon, you're gonna run around searching for this magical green plant goo. Have some handy. Save yourself.