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Holy Ship!! Survival Guide: From Condoms to Shades

Holy Ship!! Survival Guide: From Condoms to Shades
Photo by Ian Witlen

Can you hear that tropical drum? It's just our beat-freaking hearts pounding in feverish excitement for the official embarkation of Hard's Holy Ship!! electronic music cruise.

Like, have you seen the artist and activity schedule? It's going to be three amazing days on the high seas. And when we say high, we mean that you're going to be too effed up to make any sensible decisions all weekend.

So don't take chances. Prepare with Crossfade's handy Holy Ship!! survival guide. That way, when it comes time to sail, you'll be entirely ready to uhntz-uhntz on a boat for 96 straight hours!

See also: Top Ten Dance Moves Aboard Holy Ship!! 2013 in Animated GIF!

1. Leave the Internet at Home

We're going to be on a 3,000-person boat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. And the Internet service sucks. So yeah, you could spend money on some kind of transmission device to ruin your vacation by keeping up on useless social media and work emails. Or you could go balls deep into pre-'90s-esque freedom from the web. Don't worry, when we get back to South Florida's shores, you can spend the ride home Instagram-ing everything you did. The online world can wait.

2. Bring a Sharpie and Clear Nail Polish

This goes for guys too. And no, we don't want you to try to do your nails while the boat's a-rockin'. The thing is all these amazing artists are going on this crazy nautical journey with us. At any moment, you might run into a famous DJ. Then you'll have them sign your shoe, your cell phone, or your portable cigarette case. And you're going to have to seal the autograph, pronto. Thus, clear nail polish. You're welcome.

 

3. End Your Diet

Yes, we've all been watching our carb intake, stretching our bodies, and running stadiums at dawn every day since booking a Holy Ship!! cabin months and months ago. Clearly, we're in the best shape of our lives and we are ready to party. But there's no need to bring the calorie counter to a cruise. The food is free! Eat it all! Enjoy the never-ending sundae bar! You'll never stop feeling cracked-out if you don't indulge. We're sure to dance it all off anyway.

4. Pack Condoms... Then More Condoms

We're in tip-top shape. You know what that means? Holy Ship sex party! We're all adults. In fact, everyone's gotta be 21 or older just to be on board. So it's highly likely, with all these love drugs and alcohol and EDM superstars playing everywhere, someone is gonna get laid. But ladies, don't rely on the fellas. And fellas, shut the fuck up, and put that protection on already. Also, Bring extras for your stupid bros who think with their blood-engorged members. Friends don't let friends have unprotected sex!

 

5. Bring Cheap Sunglasses

Your expensive, polarized, supercute shades? Don't bring them. You're going to be wasted. Do you know how pissed you'll be if they fall off the side? Or get swiped by someone? Or lost in the sand? It's gonna ruin your vacay. In fact, don't bring anything of immense personal or monetary value aboard the boat. It's not worth the hassle and worry. Grab some cheapo crap on the way to port, even a back-up pair, and you'll be set.

6. Pack Aloe Vera

White people, you're going to get sunburned. Black people, white people will love you for having a bottle of aloe vera in your bag. Sure, most cruisers remember to bring sunscreen. But when you pass out on the deck at 4 a.m. and wake up red as a beet at noon, you're going to run around searching for this magical green plant goo. Have some handy. Save yourself.

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