Enough about the music and enough about the giant ship -- everyone wants the good stuff!
Like, who was the most wasted asshole on the boat? Who delivered the most snooze-worthy DJ set? And who was the most ratchet dancer of Holy Ship!!! 2014?
While the rest of the blogosphere waxes poetic about the same things over and over, we're giving you the news that's LOL-worthy. Because, let's face it, PLUR is only for when we're rolling and Ship Fam is a lie.
Here is the best, worst, and weirdest of Holy Ship!!!
See also: Holy Ship!!! 2014 in Animated GIF!!!
When we first stumbled across the MSC Divina's Orange Room, we were completely mesmerized. It was about 4 a.m. and we'd been wandering the halls of the boat for hours, refusing to sleep despite the quickly approaching first night of private island partying. Soon, we were seized by intense delirium. So, in that moment, the vacant space of the Orange Room, with its empty glowing stage and an overwhelmingly loud pre-recorded soundtrack, was the most hysterical thing we'd ever seen. It was even better that one lonely dude was passed out on the comfy love seat. The most entertaining moment of the whole adventure.
The Buntings are Ship Fam royalty. They've been Holy Ship staples since the maiden voyage in 2012, and they don't plan on missing an embarkation anytime soon. For years, they've practically run the Holy Ship fan Facebook group. And this year, they organized an unofficial pre-party that was just as hyped, if not more, than the official bash at Story on South Beach. So big ups to Stephanie and Robert Bunting! Where would the rest of us Shippers be without their wisdom?
This fucking guy is a total idiot. After strolling out onto a cloth awning hanging from the pool deck's second-floor balcony, he was about one false move away from becoming Holy Ship!!! 2014's first fatality. Whoever you are, we hope you enjoyed yourself. This was your 15 minutes of fame. Luckily, no one else decided it was worth a go, and thankfully (or unfortunately?), this fool didn't plummet to his bloody end.
Thanks surely in part to Holy Ship!!! 2014's significant number of Australian artists, we saw more Aussies on the boat than ever before. Now, some of y'all are really freakin' aggro. But some of you are really cute too. And we want to give a special shout out to all the Sydney cats who made the trip. Your accents are adorable and your bodies are extraordinarily well-toned. Maybe just keep your really loud bros in check. But that's definitely something that ravers from every nation, including our own U.S.A., should keep in mind.
Put your hands in the air for DJ Fetus! Y'all thought we were going to say Zedd, didn't you? But as far as we're concerned, Gina Turner and Laidback Luke's unborn child is the most junior member of the Holy Ship!!! lineup. The happy couple and their still-forming offspring's back-to-back set had the whole Discoteque ragin' till 6 in the morning. He or she is probably destined for musical greatness. Of course, maybe s/he'll end up rebelling and become an accountant. Oh, kids.
This dude from London was like freakin' Big Ben in this bitch. Even in the darkest disco on the seven seas, he stuck out like a six-foot, seven-inch dude in a chimpanzee mask. Here we are, standing next to him in all of our five-foot, six-inch glory. Do you think people of average height are constantly harassing him for photo ops at parties? He's probably pretty sick of it. Sorry!
While we were wandering around the boat at 6 a.m. on Friday morning, we sat out on the deck with one of our good buddies and we randomly met this dude from Montana named James. He was dressed in a totally ill space suit, but he'd never heard of "Peace, Love, Unity, Respect" or kandi. So when this girl who we'll call the Waffle House waitress of PLUR came out, we pushed him to participate in his first kandi exchange. It was magical, but the fun became exponentially greater when we realized what the bracelet said. "It's the fastest way for that molly to hit you," exclaimed the Waffle House waitress of PLUR. And there was no way to argue with that.
Most Ratchet Dancer
We stood around, just watching this wild woman get down to the sounds of Pharrell for, like, 20 minutes. We couldn't look away. Trust us when we say this girl has rail-twerking down to an art form. This video doesn't do her or her partner justice. This dude was straight merkin' the booty, slapping it up like box wine at a frat party. The dancing went next level when a totally different dude came by to take his turn. Occasionally, the three of them would just hump each other like some kind of sex-cream sandwich. It was either wonderful or awful, depending on how you were raised. We tend to think those adjectives mean the same thing.
Most Embarrassing Performance
Pharrell Williams may have been the most talented and accomplished artist on this year's Holy Ship!!! lineup, but he ended up being one of the least exciting to watch. Seriously, we are not complaining, because he can grab an iPod and just dance around to his hits any day, and we will gladly enjoy the show. But as far as actually entertaining the crowd, Mr. Williams might have been better off at least trying to sing live. Mostly, he just went "yeah" and "uh" over a backing track, and we will never understand why he didn't work through songs like "Rockstar" or "Lapdance" or "She Wants to Move." That said, we did love it when he played "Frontin'," "Happy," and "Get Lucky." So look, we're not saying this guy's not awesome, but we can understand why some angry commenters in the Holy Ship fan Facebook group felt ripped off.
We hear you going, "Wait, Laidback Luke and Gina Turner already got a shout out." Yes, they did. But they weren't the cutest couple. The cutest couple was definitely Zedd and Tiësto. After Zedd introduced his big buddy in the Pantheon Theater, they bro-ed around for the rest of the cruise like a couple of lovers on a tropical vacation. It was freakin' adorable. And incidentally, Zedd was actually the entire reason that Tiësto made it onto the boat in the first place. It was at his insistence that Tiesto checked it out and booked the gig. So, everybody, let's all offer a collective awww and leave them alone to do whatever it is bromantics do in private.
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Follow Kat Bein on Twitter @KatSaysKill.