Another year, another Grammy show.
This may have been the 56th run, but the Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences still can't work out the kinks. It certainly wasn't the worst Grammys we've ever seen, but there was plenty to bitch about.
Some of the performances were groundbreaking, and some of them were downright snooze-worthy. As usual, the Academy tried to make up for past mistakes by shutting out deserving nominees, and it still gave too much stage time to washed-up stars who would be better remembered as they were than as they are.
Life is about balance, so we here at Crossfade broke our highlights into two simple categories. Here's what sucked and didn't totally suck about the 56th-annual Grammy Awards.
Things That Didn't Suck
Beyoncé and Jay Z
Sure, she may not have qualified for any Grammy awards this season, but Beyoncé still walked away a winner in the whole world's eyes. Her opening performance with hubby Jay Z was hot. Plus, "Drunk in Love" is a jam. We're pretty sure they're having the best sex of anyone alive right now.
Then Bey and Jay remained the most adorable thing about the Grammys all night long. They were supercute, dancing in the front row. That side-eye Jay gave Jamie Fox as he went on and on about Bey was classic. He's lucky Jay is a classy man these days; otherwise, for sure, he would've got stuck. Yes, Hollywood's greatest power couple still has no fear of competition.
Daft Punk's All-White Suits
How fresh were those new suits? We are loving the disco duds. Now we have to go get our own all-white ensemble. Clearly, white is all the rage in Paris. A special big cheers to Daft Punk's Thomas Bangalter and Guy-Manuel de Homem-Christo for finally winning for Album of the Year, even if we think Kendrick Lamar deserved to win more. You know the Grammys, always making up for past mistakes at the expense of newcomers. Still, the hug that the robots gave each other before climbing the stage was heart-melting.
See also: Daft Punk's Alive 2007 and Nine Other EDM Albums To Hear Before You Die
Macklemore and Ryan Lewis Tie the Knot
Independent music won in a big way last night, and so did marriage equality rights.
Beyoncé's ass is fine and everything, but the most moving performance of the night goes to Seattle's underdog champions, Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, who welcomed 33 couples planning to exchange vows.
Queen Latifah was fighting back tears as she officially married those lucky couples, and so were we. Then Madonna came out and did her thing, and even though she was showing her age, the scene was only more touching. Bravo to Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, and best of luck to all the happy newlyweds.
The Goth Revival
We never saw this latest pop fad coming when we were in high school. Goth is totally cool again, you guys. Lorde is the gothest thing to hit the Billboard charts since the early '90s, and we couldn't be more pleased. But it's not even just the new girl bringing black back in a big way. Did you catch Katy Perry's "Dark Horse" performance? She was dancing on that stripper pole, lookin' like Elvira. This is a trend we would be happy to see more of in the coming years.
See also: Oh My Goth! Top Ten Creepiest Musicians
He's the kind of dude who never ages, and he's always bringing the freshest style to the red carpet. So it's honestly not surprising that Pharrell's hat, an inanimate object, was one of the brightest stars of the night. He was straight up walking around the Grammys like a Canadian Mountie on mushrooms. It was beautiful. The internet is already rife with hysterical memes celebrating the wonder of his gigantic headgear. We hope Mr. P wears that hat to all high-profile engagements for the foreseeable future.
She may not be the gossip column's favorite muse, but she is the best pop performer of her era. Every time Pink graces an awards show with her presence, she reminds us what real entertainment looks and sounds like. She's both graceful and powerful, and thank goodness she can be sexy without embarrassing herself. She must be the hardest working woman in the business. Do you know how many hours of training go into holding a full-grown man on your stomach? Her full live show must be nothing short of Cirque du Soleil-level impressive. Please keep inviting Pink to perform at everything. Thank you.
Things That Sucked
No Justin Bieber or Miley Cyrus
We get it, the Grammys are supposed to be classy. But you know what another word for classy is? Boring. Life just isn't the same without pop's youngest train wrecks. How do you expect us to go without in a post-Miley reality? Instead of watching Chicago cling to life, let's get Justin Bieber to trip all over his baggy pants and do something he'll regret. Maybe it was "better" this way, but maybe every party needs a memorable pooper.
What in the hell was that? Pink is up there taking pop music to places it's never been, and this schmuck comes waltzing out with his dick in his hand. Have you ever heard someone suck so badly? Dude couldn't hold a pitch if it came with two handles and a free bag of coke. How are you going to be touted as the modern-day Freddie Mercury and be that talentless? You knew this performance was coming; you had time to prepare. There's pretty much no excuse.
Ozzy's Grip on the English Language
This is nothing new, but we still love watching the self-appointed Prince of Darkness mumble his way through a prepared speech in front of 29 million television viewers. The always-recovering singer tried to introduce ex-Beatle Ringo Starr, but when he opened his mouth to speak, all that came out was years of spinal damage from decades of drug and alcohol abuse. There is no greater PSA to keep kids off drugs than a 20-second attempt at verbal communication from the "Iron Man." But hey, we ain't mad at him. The dude can still kick ass behind a mike when it matters most.
Robin Thicke with Chicago
We don't even really remember what the fuck happened because it was so boring. How old are the dudes in Chicago? How irrelevant is Robin Thicke without Miley Cyrus shaking her ass in front of him or Pharrell hanging out singing a hook that makes you forget what a sick, drunk, creepy uncle Thicke actually is? In fact, most of the performances from older people were terrible this year. We appreciate that you want to pay homage to the great musicians and entertainers that came before, but it's not making us feel better to see them hardly carry a tune while knocking on death's door. We want to remember them like they were in the '60s and '70s. As for Thicke, we can't wait until next year when he falls off the face of the Earth. Good riddance.
Kendrick Shut Out
We've said it before and we'll say it again: Good Kid, M.A.A.D. City is one of the greatest hip-hop records of all time. It's an instant classic. It's lyrical, poetic, edgy, complex, sophisticated -- it's everything a record should be. But after last night, even when it garnered five nominations (nine for Kendrick in total), we can't say it's a Grammy winner. We've never seen someone so deserving get so screwed.
They made him perform with Imagine Dragons? As if the man who wrote that "Control" verse can't handle a crowd on his own. We guess we're glad Daft Punk finally got Album of the Year, and we're happy for Macklemore and Ryan Lewis for showing that independent music can achieve great heights, but it's a damn shame Kendrick had to be sacrificed for those political maneuvers. To quote Kanye West: "If I don't win, the award show loses credibility." We're shaking our heads at you, Shammys.
Running the Credits on the First Good Rock Performance in Years
Let's face it -- rock 'n' roll is in a really bad way. When Led Zeppelin wins the Grammy for Best Rock Album in 2014, you know something is wrong. That's why we were so stoked that Nine Inch Nails performed a back-to-back set with Queens of the Stone Age -- and it was actually really great! The stage production was killer, and the crunching bass awakened rebellious parts of our body that we'd forgotten we had.
Then, right in the middle of everything, drowning out QOTSA frontdude Josh Homme's voice, just when we remembered why people ever played guitars, the Grammys' closing credits came on! It ruined the mood; it ruined everything! It was the world's rudest cock-tease. Of course, NIN's Trent Reznor was pissed, tweeting, "Music's biggest night... to be disrespected. A heartfelt FUCK YOU guys."
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The Grammy people made some statement. But who gives a shit, because there really isn't any excuse. If we're ever supposed to remember what rock 'n' roll feels like, we need to give some stage time to those who deserve it -- and keep the camera rolling.
Follow Kat Bein on Twitter @KatSaysKill.