Gene Simmons' Top Five Sex Tips for Tim Tebow
Sounds like one of those "...walks into a bar" bits, only the punchline doesn't give you a case of uncontrollable giggles. It just makes you wanna puke.
But whatever ... The KISS creep is a legendary lothario with a twelve-inch tongue. And the Broncos' QB is a hopeless novice. So after the jump, check out Gene Simmons's top five sex tips, designed to teach Tim Tebow how to make sweet sinful love.
5. Always Play Hard To Get
Note Simmons' full-blast antagonism right out of the gate. There's a second, less important point. But right now, we're talking about evasion as a form of seduction. For this particular tabloid bottomfeeder, the KISS frontman opens with a little "I know you are but what am I?" which gives way to a deeper, more
melancholy existential rumination: "I wish I was on that show too." Damn, Gene.
4. Bait, Pounce, Kill
Believe what you will .... Crossfade believes Gene Simmons when he says he's slept with every woman in the history of women.
3. Anybody Should Be Able to Pray to Anybody They Want, Whenever They Want
This should have been the title of "Rock and Roll All Nite." Also, don't be fooled, people. He's is talking about fucking.
2. Believe in Statistics and God, and So Shall You Be Laid
Man ... Gene really needs to monetize this shit. Book tours and motivational speaking. What is this list even about anymore?
1. No Homo
Most importantly, if you're trying to be staunchly heterosexual, do not even begin to pretend to consider that other straight men have pubes and private parts. Bro, that shit is ga-ross.
Get the Music Newsletter
Keep your thumb on the local music scene with music features, additional online music listings and show picks. We'll also send special ticket offers and music promotions available only to our Music Newsletter subscribers.