Five Signs This Club Sucks

Sign a club sucks: You walk into a room filled with candy eaters.
Sign a club sucks: You walk into a room filled with candy eaters.
Photo by Christopher Victorio

Free time is a precious commodity. Weekend warriors have a mere 48 hours to get as nasty as they wanna be, then it's a long, hot shower and another five days of money makin'.

No one wants to waste their Saturdays on shitty drinks in shitty environments. And there's nothing fun about wasting hundreds of dollars on a night that you'd rather forget.

So here are five signs this club sucks... And if three or more of these triggers are set off by the party spot that your best friend just suggested, don't drop a dollar on cover charge.

See also: Ten Worst Raver Cliches

If she still sucks a pacifier, she's too young for you.
If she still sucks a pacifier, she's too young for you.
Photo by Alex Markow

All Ages

If you're under 21, you're probably all like, "Hey, what gives? I love all-ages clubs." Talk to us when you're 22, bb. You'll realize that everyone under 21 may as well be 12. You have absolutely nothing interesting to say. And everything you want to drink tastes like candied asshole. The only people older than 22 who want to hang out with people younger than 21 are creepy losers who can't get an adult in bed, and they are there to prey on your naiveté. Go to house parties and leave the club scene alone. For our good. And yours.

Professional sound systems: Not just for setting your drink down.
Professional sound systems: Not just for setting your drink down.
Photo by Karli Evans

Sounds Like the DJ Is Playing From Computer Speakers

Sound is paramount, but not everyone got the memo. It doesn't matter how hot your dancers are, how bright your lights, or how strong your drinks. If your bangers seep through the life-size equivalent of a Fisher-Price My First Stereo System, real motherfuckers won't frequent your spot. You could seriously just have a dark room with nothing in it and a massive sound system that bumps clear highs and lows, and you've got a winner. Don't put yourself through a garbage listening experience. And for the record, just because it's loud doesn't mean it's "good."

See also: Five Signs You Might Be a Shitty DJ



Sponsor Content

Newsletters

All-access pass to the top stories, events and offers around town.

  • Top Stories
    Send:

Newsletters

All-access pass to top stories, events and offers around town.

Sign Up >

No Thanks!

Remind Me Later >