Marc Anthony isn't an especially handsome man. Sure, he's got chiseled features. But sometimes chiseled is a euphemism for bony. And bony is what he is.
Anthony has made his sexual mark on such lovely ladies as Miss Universe Dayanara Torres, J.Lo, and it's even rumored he's stolen Will Smith's bride. Of course, after a lively romp with the Fresh Prince at the Fins vs. Pats game this week in Miami, it seems less likely this is the case.
But with or without Jada, somewhere along the way, this guy must have made a deal with the devil. He has the look of a person who's wandered the Sahara for months on end. Does he diet? Does he not eat lechon or frijoles? Why is he so slender? And yet the ladies love him.
Thus, we'd like to offer five points of proof that Marc Anthony sold his Puerto Rican soul to Mephistopheles in exchange for fame, riches, and an unnatural ability to attract beautiful women.
5. Master of the Universe
His first wife was Miss Universe. That's right ... The most beautiful womanly woman in the universe. His ex Dayanara Torres is completely, absolutely gorgeous. Actress, singer, and model, an ambassador to UNICEF, she even has a foundation to school poor Puerto Rican and Filipino kids. She's an inch taller than he is and gave him two babies.
4. Taming J.Lo
He got divorcée Jennifer "The Butt" Lopez to bang him and deliver even more cute little Ricans.
3. Ensnaring the Fresh Princess
He allegedly slept with Jada Pinkett and he's now hanging with her husband and Dwayne Wade at a football game. The good life?
2. The Latin Stallion
He is one of the most influential musicians on the planet, having sold over 12 million albums. And for most people around the world, he is the prototype of a Latin man. Yeah, Marc Anthony ... Not that guy up there.
1. Dressed Like the Devil
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Someone actually asked him to make a clothing line for Kohl's. Of course, it's pretty easy to identify thousands of more fashionable celebs. But he's sold his soul, and so he's selling styles fit for the damned.
Maybe if you just dress like Marc Anthony, you too could be a superbony Master of the Universe who's touched The Butt, bought a private box at Sun Life Stadium, and keeps Satan on speed dial.
Marc Anthony. Friday, September 16, and Saturday, September 17. American Airlines Arena, 601 Biscayne Blvd., Miami. The concerts begin at 8 p.m. and tickets cost $58 to $178 plus fees via ticketmaster.com. Call 786-777-1000 or visit aaarena.com.