Five Douchiest Things Music Snobs Say

Five Douchiest Things Music Snobs Say

Talking to a music snob can be a great learning experience. Or a great pain in the ass.

You know the type. Sure, they've got stellar taste. But they hold it over everyone's heads like some kind of license to poop in your cereal.

Though each snob has his or her specialty, some phrases are just universally obnoxious. Here are the five douchiest things music snobs say. And c'mon now, we should know.

5. "That isn't real music."

Ah, yes, the real music debate that literally no one cares about. And what does "real music" mean anyway? For some, it's the difference between electronic and analog. For others, it could be pop vs. the underground. But really, these snobs just think you're an idiot and want to spend the next hour making you listen to obscure, conceptual noise. And they're hoping you won't like it.

4. "You have to listen to this with the right sound system."

Sure, a great set of speakers paired with the right sub can really bring the nuances out in a banging tune. But that doesn't mean you have to shit on what a bitch be rockin'. Sometimes, we just want to drive along and listen to a jam. Of course, though, there's always that one guy who's like, "Man, you can't even really hear it like this."

You're right! We can't hear it! Because you won't shut the hell up and let us listen! The quality of the speakers doesn't determine the quality of the music. Be honest ... You just want an excuse to tweak the knobs on the overpriced sound system that daddy bought you for being such a good little douche.

3. "I only really like their early stuff."

Snobs are tastemakers. They find good unknown bands and they share these discoveries with friends and other snobs. Eventually, that band gets a real break, playing some late-night show or selling their would-be hit to a movie, and everyone finds out they rock.

That's the moment when the band's third album with all the hits comes out as the snobs stand mocking in the shadows. They'll argue that the sound has changed. And they'll bitch that the band's original essence has been replaced by a more palatable, radio-friendly identity that appeals to the dopey masses. But deep down, they just feel left-out and ignored. In the snobs' minds, they made this band famous with their good taste, so they deserve some of the recognition. They're bitter because they're not famous, too.

2. "You wouldn't want to see them now, though."

In the same way that snobs only deem early records worthy of your time and money, it's only really cool to see a band when they're still "authentic." Once a group becomes too bloated and well-known, their performances, the mood, and the crowd changes. It all turns into some money-making machine full of indulgent solos, bad covers, and too many lights. The raw power and wild energy that gave the band its edge have disappeared. But really, snobs are just pissed off that they have to shell out $50 for a nosebleed seat in an arena. So they'd rather just tell you it sucks and drink at home.

"Most people just don't get it. Way over their heads."

There's only one reason the best music gets ignored by "most people." That's because "most people" are "idiots." And nothing gives a snob more pleasure than watching a crowd full of "most people" be totally bored by the "best set of the night." This is usually followed by some sort of statement like, "Watch ... In a year, most people will be listening to this, and it won't even be good anymore."

Music that "most people just don't get" is what snobs live for. And every time snobs see that you're ignoring their favorite band, it just means that they've still got it. So in a way, they're just saying, "Thank you!"

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