Love is a mysterious thing.
So this V-Day, if you finally meet some sexy stranger who makes your palms sweat, knees shake, and the tip of your tongue tingle, please don't waste time asking a million questions, like, "Is this forever?," "What if we don't like the same music?," or "Why is there a jar of Vaseline in the trunk?"
Simply surrender to the moment, slam a shot, and sprint over to Miami's oldest former speakeasy, strip club, and whorehouse, where a short, chubby Elvis impersonator (and Internet-certified wedding officiate) in platform shoes and a sequined jumpsuit will marry a roomful of love-drunk folks like you.
Here are the five best Valentine's Day 2014 parties in Miami.
Slow Roast Thursday: V-Day Edition. With Craze, Louie Arson, and Mike Deuce. 11 p.m. Thursday, February 13, at The Garret at Grand Central, 697 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-377-2277; grandcentralmiami.com. Admission is free. Ages 21 and up. Even porky hipsters can fall in love. Just ask Ludwig Von Pig, the mascot of Miami bass music label Slow Roast Records. Dude used to jump from sty to sty, slapping the ham and then splitting. But now he's wasted off real emotion and ready for a commitment. So make like Herr Von Pig this Valentine's Eve, waddle up to The Garret, and finally say, "Oink, oink, oink, be mine," to that someone special.
Paper Hearts: A Fundraiser for Miami Dade College's MDC Museum of Art + Design. With live music from Afrobeta and a DJ set by Hottpants. 8 to 11 p.m. Thursday, February 13, at Freedom Tower, 600 Biscayne Blvd., Miami. Tickets cost $75 to $200. When a romantic relationship is still in its formative stages, one person will usually try to impress the other by doing things that he or she would never otherwise do. Like working out at least three times a week. Or wearing a different pair of underwear every day. Or buying art. This V-Day, show off for that new lover at the Paper Hearts party, silent art auction, and MDC fundraiser. Oh, and don't forget the fresh undies.
Friday I'm in Love: A Cure-Themed Valentine's Day. Featuring Cure covers by Jean Jacket and Pretty Girls. 9 p.m. Friday, February 14, at The Vagabond, 30 NE 14th Street; 305-379-0508; thevagabondmiami.com. Free before midnight. It's so lame when Valentine's Day falls on some shitty worknight in the middle of the week. You can't get tipsy, dressed up to the eyes, and follow that hot goth home. Thankfully, though, V-Day 2014 isn't a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday. As Robert Smith of the Cure once crooned: "Friday, I'm in love."
See also: Valentine's Day: Six Worst First Dates
Heartbreak Hotel Full Moon Party. With Michelle Leshem (Emm of Ess & Emm) and husband, DJ Sean Drake. 9 p.m. Friday, February 14, at FDR Lounge at the Delano Hotel, 1685 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-672-2000; delano-hotel.com. Huh? What? Really? When the King was whining about how "since my baby left me, I found a new place to dwell, it's down at the end of lonely street at Heartbreak Hotel," we imagined that he meant a flop house with pee-stained curtains and TVs that'd been shot at point-blank range with a handgun. Apparently, though, the guy was referring to this swank-ass joint on South Beach.
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Elvis and the Big Wedding Bash VII. With an Elvis Presley impersonator, Megan Dean, Rosy Robbins & the Midnight Rambler, and others. 2 p.m. to 5 a.m. Friday, February 14, at Tobacco Road, 626 S. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-374-1198; tobacco-road.com. Admission is free till 9 p.m. Are you "just a hunk-a, hunk-a burning love?" Well, as the Big Wedding Bash folks say, "No need to go to Vegas to get married!" Because they and Tobacco Road "provide the bands, the photographer, the ordained minister, the certificates, and Elvis." All you gotta do is take it easy on the fried peanut-butter-and-banana sandwiches, prescription drugs, and booze, so you're not incapacitated by the time it's your turn to sing, "Ooh, ooh, ooh, I do, uh-huh."