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Five Bad Bitches You'll Meet at Jello Wrestling in Miami

They're bad bitches and they know it.
They're bad bitches and they know it.
Photo by Laurie Charles

Athletic rugby jocks, mid-aged men wearing cowboy hats, and ladies dressed in patriotic red, white, and blue costumes crowded a rectangular inflatable kiddie pool filled with bright red Jello by the back stage of Churchill's Pub.

Before the ladies of the Fort Miami Women's Rugby League made their entrance and wrestled one another in slippery gelatin for the sake of raising funds for their team, the crowd of about 100 started the wave.

As these badass chicks made their way onto the wrestling "ring," half of the crowd chanted, "tetas, tetas, tetas," while the other half responded, "they're not that drunk, they're not that drunk, they're not that drunk."

Moments later, as Macklemore's "Thrift Shop" blasted on the speaker, the announcer, a guy in his twenties rockin' short, bright yellow spandex, began the countdown to the first of five three-minute rounds of fierce, hardcore wrestling where ladies dressed as Pocahontas, Ke$sha, and Martha Washington, to name a few, went at it with each other.

Check out the champs and the moves that lead them to victory.

See also:

-Six Worst Miami Pick-Up Lines, According to the Ladies

The aftermath of getting stripper poled by Pocahontas.
The aftermath of getting stripper poled by Pocahontas.
Photo by Michelle Horevitz

Pocahontas: The Stripper Pole

If anyone thought this match was just going to be girls rolling around in Jello, they were completely wrong.

Pocahontas went at it with her opponent, a petite blonde in a red polka dot top and shorts - she straddled, head-locked, and shoved her around. And after throwing Jello at the crowd and showing off her nipple pasties, the crowd chose her as the winner.

So what was Pocahontas' move?

"I just stripper poled her," she said.

We can never watch Pocahontas the same way.

 

Don't mess with Ke$ha.
Don't mess with Ke$ha.
Photo by Laurie Charles

Ke$ha: The Backbender

With blonde hair, neon pink spandex, and blue lipstick, Ke$ha dominated round three.

"I just tried to flip her over and bring her on her back so that I could tie her arms around her back, but it was so slippery!" said Ke$ha.

Much like the singer herself, this wrestling champ doppelganger jumped her challenger like an "Animal."

GI Jane's about to kick some ass.
GI Jane's about to kick some ass.
Photo by Michelle Horevitz

GI Jane: The Ass Kicker

Anyone who wrestles in combat boots is a total badass. It's no wonder GI Jane dominated this round.

"What was your signature move?"

"I have no clue. I just kicked her ass," she responded.

Spoken like a true fighter.

 

Autumn Flowers will knock you out with her flower power.
Autumn Flowers will knock you out with her flower power.
Photo by Laurie Charles

Autumn Flowers: The Wrap Around

Autumn Flowers jumped into the Jello ring with an American flag bikini top and shorts as she took on Rosie the Riveter.

"I just wrapped my legs around her," she said.

Keep it classy, Martha, keep it classy.
Keep it classy, Martha, keep it classy.
Photo by Laurie Charles

Martha Washington: The Terminator

Like the first lady, Martha Washington was the baddest of them all.

Unlike most of the other wrestlers who made their entrance in two piece suits, Martha Washington kept is classy.

Wearing a grey wig and a colonial-era like dress with the American flag as a cape, the crowd chanted, "Martha, Martha, Martha" before she threw the wig onto the crowd and ripped off her dress to reveal a U.S.A. bikini.

"It was more defensive," said Washington, who ironically enough was the captain of the rugby team.

"I waited for her to come towards me then I made my move. I used my strength to push her back," explained Washington.

"But at the end of the day, it's a fundraiser... we're just having a good time. We're always tackling each other, but this time, in Jello."

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miles
Churchill's Pub

5501 NE 2nd Ave.
Miami, FL 33137

305-757-1807

www.churchillspub.com


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