Things sure aren't perfect here in the land of the free, but we're still happy to bravely drink our weight in alcohol and wear almost nothing on the Fourth of July ... Because isn't that the whole point?
Our founding fathers celebrated life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And so shall we.
Here are ten fashion freakouts from Fourth of July on South Beach.
See also: EDM's Five Biggest Hacks
Here in America, we love our men with unruly scruffiness. Is it wrong for a white man to rock the dreads? Not in the USA. In this country, a man can have both nipples pierced and still leave the house without fear of ridicule. Seriously, bro looks like he could kick your ass anyway.
This guy really loves America. Or he's just eyeing some sweet piece of ass-candy behind the photographer, which is totally a possibility on South Beach. What the most American way to celebrate the red, white, and blue? Wearing too many gold chains and a star-spangled bandana, obvi.
Americans fucking love irony. What's ironic about this picture? Deadmau5's Joel Zimmerman is 100-percent Canadian bacon. But his Mau5 head looks so thrilled to be reppin' the U.S. of A. Do you think this girl is in on the joke? Who cares. 'Murica.
The United States isn't just one great land mass of awesome. It's actually divided into 50 smaller sects of awesome, and that's another reason we're amazing. This guy knows how to subdivide his pride. Not only is he reppin' his state, he's making sure you know he drove an hour to be here. Palm Beach County's in this bitch, and he brought guns, so watch out.
See also: Eight Signs You're Not VIP
Awww! This girl perfectly represents America's girl next door. Sure, she's had a little work done, but she's just as sweet as ever. With her little braid and her flag, she's as full of sugary innocence as apple pie.
The American fuck-you attitude is world famous. So it just wouldn't be right unless someone showed up to the USA's birthday party with a little boot-in-your-ass swagger. What do we like to do? We like to fucking party. And when we party, we're trying to break things. It's all part of the rebel spirit.
See also: Six Reasons to Never Have Sex With a DJ
See, these guys get it. We just want to wave our expensive bottles in the air while showing an obnoxious amount of national pride, and we also want to be ready to knock you the fuck out, should you get the idea that America isn't about being as obnoxious as possible. Shut the fuck up. It is.
Any red-blooded American has one thing on their mind: going home with some ass. Actually, if it's a party, we're not really into waiting. This is America. Our national dances are pretty much just grinding body parts onto someone else's naughty bits. Just make sure you use protection.
See also: The Six People You Meet on South Beach
In America, we sure do love our bling. It's kind of your patriotic duty to cover everything you've got in cheap, shiny things. How else will we know you mean it when you say In Gaudy We Trust? Cover you hat, cover your phone, cover your nails, cover your tits. Where is the nearest vajazzle spa?
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
Nothing says "welcome to America" like a couple of hot plastic surgery patients with permanent bitch face staring you down. Yup. We love this country.
Crossfade's Top Blogs
Follow Kat Bein on Twitter @KatSaysKill.