Eight Things the Rest of the World Gets Wrong About Miami Nightlife

We're about more than boobs and EDM.
We're about more than boobs and EDM.
Photo by George Martinez

Ask the world to close its eyes and say the first thing that comes to mind when it thinks of Miami nightlife. Chances are you'll get a lot of Scarface, boobs, EDM, bottle service, and the occasional naked, ketchup-covered woman twerking at a Johnny Rockets. 

All of these things are technically true, but few actually represent what it's like to go out in Miami. Except the naked ketchup woman. That one sums us up pretty well. 

But other than that, Miami and its world famous nightlife scene is largely a caricature the rest of the world has illustrated over the years. So please stop asking us where you can buy cocaine and check out a few of the biggest misconceptions below. 

Those are all ones, by the way.
Those are all ones, by the way.
Photo by George Martinez

8. You don't need to be rich to go out.

It certainly doesn't hurt to have money if you're heading out for a night on the town in Miami. Dollars can get you a whole lot in this city. Not only can you get your pick of the VIP tables at LIV but David Grutman will personally tickle your feet with a chicken feather if the price is right. However, we have cheaper alternatives. The legendary happy hour at Mac's Club Deuce will serve you cheap two-for-one drinks from 8 a.m. to 7 p.m every day of the week. Churchill's is just about always a safe bet for cheap booze and free music. Shit, hop your ass down to Coconut Grove and drink Moose Juice with UM kids until everything starts to get blurry. We have other options beside $17 aluminum bottles of Bud Light. 

Eight Things the Rest of the World Gets Wrong About Miami Nightlife (2)
Photo by George Martinez

7. We don't spend all our time on South Beach.

Miamians treat South Beach the way most people treat birthday cake. It's awesome and tasty, but if you have it every day, all the time, you'll die a sticky death. Between the traffic and the prices, South Beach is a no-fly zone for most of us. We watch it from a distance, like monkeys in a zoo, wary that, at any moment, we might get poo flung at us. 

Eight Things the Rest of the World Gets Wrong About Miami Nightlife (3)
Photo by George Martinez

6. We don't all know how to salsa.

Some of us do. Go to Ball & Chain on a Saturday night and you'll see people tearing it the fuck up. But look around some more and you're sure to see some shamed patrons with their backs against the wall, Googling "Hips?!" on their phones. Don't expect us all to be Shakira on the dance floor. We're more like Shaq at the free-throw line.

Eight Things the Rest of the World Gets Wrong About Miami Nightlife (4)
Photo via Pixabay.com

5. We don't all do cocaine.

Not all of us. Some of us, definitely. But those people are easy to spot. The dude who keeps trying to high-five the DJ? Yeah, he's zooted. The chick who's wiping at her nose like a third base coach telling you to steal home? Yup, she's down with the booger sugar. That guy who throws a bunch of napkins in the air? No, he's just an asshole. Tony Montana was a fictional character. And the Cocaine Cowboys are either dead, in jail, or Mickey Munday. So please stop asking us where you can find some blow. I've got flour and sea salt from Trader Joes. That's about as close as I'll get. 



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