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Eight Things Miami Hates About Art Basel

Parties, colorful characters, and art everywhere: what's not to love about Basel? A lot of things, actually.
Parties, colorful characters, and art everywhere: what's not to love about Basel? A lot of things, actually.
Photo by Laurie Charles

It was Art Basel Miami Beach weekend and Uncle Luke was set to host last week's edition of Peachfuzz at The Garret, one of many Basel-themed bashes that went down this weekend.

And even though it was the reason for bringing Luke to one of Miami's best hipster clubs (and many other world-class artists, celebrities, and parties to the 305 this past week), there are just some things about the art fest that drive us locals off the wall.

As the crowd drank up Stella Artois, puffed thick clouds of smoke into the air, and dropped their asses to the floor to DJ Fashen and DZA's mash-up of old-school hip-hop tunes, the party people at The Garret revealed what makes them cringe during ABMB.

Here are eight things the Magic City hates about Basel.

See also: The Ten People You Meet at Art Basel Miami Beach

Judging by their colorful ensembles, these guys don't just know art, they are art.
Judging by their colorful ensembles, these guys don't just know art, they are art.
Photo by Laurie Charles

"Hype Beasts" and Crackheads

"Those people who pretend to like art, but really don't," is what Solomon Naar hates about Basel.

"The crackheads," interrupted Naar's friend.

"Where do you find them?"

"On the beach," he laughed.

"No but for real," Naar continued, "You know, those hype beasts that jump on the art bandwagon?"

Oh, you mean these guys?

Yeah, bro, I'm so fucking artsy. Wait, who the hell is Agustina Woodgate and WTF are those mutated stuffed animals doing on that rug? Is this some sorta voodoo shit or something?

Yeah, we know them all too well.

 

Looks like the photobomber in the back is giving Rachel the thumbs up for the horrific Basel traffic.
Looks like the photobomber in the back is giving Rachel the thumbs up for the horrific Basel traffic.
Photo by Laurie Charles

Traffic

"I like seeing everybody out during Basel, but the one thing that really bothers me is all the traffic," said Rachel.

Jackie Gonzalez agreed.

"It's a mission getting anywhere!" she said.

Traffic is definitely one Basel frustration we can all relate to.

I mean, dealing with lost tourists, slow drivers, and people who actually use their turning signals? Why does Miami life have to be so unfair?

Eight Things Miami Hates About Art Basel
Photo by Laurie Charles

Parking

"You know what? There is one thing I hate about Basel," said Stephan.

"The parking. I almost got my car towed in Wynwood the other day. I was walking to my car and saw a tow truck pull up. That's when I ran and got there right on time."

Stephan forgot to mention the inflation of parking fees. Twenty dollar parking anyone?

 

Eight Things Miami Hates About Art Basel
Photo by Laurie Charles

Tourists

"They drive me nuts!" said Oscar Guridi.

"I work on the beach and it's super packed there. There are just so many of them!," he laughed.

Welcome to Basel.

Don't even think about wearing your Air Force 1's to Basel, or the fashion wrath of Celina will fall upon you.
Don't even think about wearing your Air Force 1's to Basel, or the fashion wrath of Celina will fall upon you.
Photo by Laurie Charles

Shitty Style

Celina was getting down to Jay Z's "I Just Wanna Love U" with her bestie and man friend.

"People who don't know how to dress," the fashionista said was the thing that annoyed her most about Basel.

"I went to Wood the other day and saw people still wearing Air Force 1's."

"Yeah, totally ..."

Good thing I left my sneakers at home.

 

Screw VIP parties. These guys would rather party with Luke.
Screw VIP parties. These guys would rather party with Luke.
Photo by Laurie Charles

VIP Parties

"It's not that I hate them, but it sucks that you need an invite to get in," said Jesus who was with his friend Javi.

"You have other parties like this one, but all of them should be open to the public."

Parties, colorful characters, and art everywhere: what's not to love about Basel? A lot of things, actually.
Parties, colorful characters, and art everywhere: what's not to love about Basel? A lot of things, actually.
Photo by Laurie Charles

People Who Bash Art

"Anything is art. It doesn't need to have a boundary. And for those who think art is shitty, I say, 'Shut the fuck up,'" proudly proclaimed Britni Halvosa, who's also an art history major.

"Why would you come out to Art Basel if you hate art? Those people see it through ignorance, but if you open your eyes and mind, you'll see the beauty."

Preach on, Britni, preach on.

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