DJ Laz scratches a record with his teeth as a stage full of booty dancers pop and roll to the endless cheers of a wild, neon audience lost in the ecstasy of bass.
Da Pimp Wit Da Limp looks up, flashes his trademark grin, reaches behind his own back, and continues cutting shinobi slices through machine-gun braps of 808 drums. He fades across the tables into a synth line that's sweet and sticky as molasses and works the room into a hot, wet frenzy.
Vinyl rocking is an art form, and Lazaro Mendez has it mastered. Here are DJ Laz's top ten booty jams of all time.
10. "Bass Orgasm"
You know that scene in the Howard Stern movie Private Parts where he has a girl straddle a speaker box while he hums into it through the phone on live radio? If she would've been riding out to the massive pounds of monophonic subwoofing on this DJ Laz song, she would have cum and squirted harder than the ocean in a hurricane.
9. "Latin Rhythm"
Could DJ Laz be the Johnny Cash of Latin bass? Not only are there beat smacks, conga slides, and low-end melody, this story-song also contains lyrical gems like "Met this girl named Ana Maria/She was a real fine Cubanita/Says she's from Little Havana/21st Street in a little cabana."
8. "Moments in Bass"
If Ghandi would've been a revolutionary DJ instead of a pacifist warrior, he might have said, "Make the bass that you want to feel." This track is so subsonically meditative that your kundalini's gonna hit overdrive next time this beat drops in yoga class.
7. "Feel the Bass"
U.S. government officials have been conducting sonic experiments since before World War II. When they tested out this song as a truth inducer (paired with a strong batch of acid) on the FBI academy students, everybody stole the company vehicles and exploded their speakers.
6. "Red Alert"
The extreme car-audio subgenre of bass music that's devoted to showing off circuitry through auditory power is a science. But if it wasn't for crossovers, amps, and subs, 20,000 decibels would only be an engineer's wet dream. Now that's applied physics.
5. "Esa Morena"
When it comes to beats per minute, crunk ain't got a thing on bass, which boasts exponentially more shakes, bounces, and drops per booty-poppin' beat thump. This song is proof.
Shoutout to Uncle Luke for this one. The call-and-response lyrics owe their life to the Ghetto Style DJs. But by matching a salsa sing-song chorus with "get it, get it," the sequence for the future DNA of Pitbull is cryorhythmically preserved in wax.
3. "Hump All Night"
This tricounty anthem about horny getdowns from Hialeah to Pompano is all about the backroom hunch, coochie pop, and nightlife. If you've ever spent a Friday night at Hot Wheels, it'll have you rolling right down memory lane. And if you haven't, you'll be running to it, full speed ahead.
2. "Mami El Negro"
While an up-North Anglo college professor type might decry the song as racist for its use of a Wilfrido Vargas sample from a song ostensibly about rabid Afro-Caribbean sexuality, Laz opens his track with a quote about a gringo going to a party full of Cubans having to be crazy in the first place. Game, set, match.
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1. "Journey Into Bass"
Fifty years from now when Miami's underwater, a scuba-diving alien chasing a grouper fish into a cave formed from the rubble of the New Times building is going to find a fully charged iPod Shuffle, safe and dry in an Altoids container. He'll take it back to the mothership, blast this song on repeat through their intergalactic speaker cabs, and it will explain everything.