If R. Kelly pulled a WIlly Wonka and opened his Chocolate Factory to the public, we doubt we'd find Oompa Loompas churning out R&B hits. After all, the 2003 record was clearly about baby-making, not candy-making.
In fact, R. Kelly's slow jams are all about sex. Dude makes music for the grown and sexy, not to mention the incredibly horny. And at 44 years old, he's got no intention of slowing down.
Now, shit may get wild at the Black and White V.I.P. Party, and we want to make sure you're prepared. Check out our list of Five Survival Items You'll Need to Party with R. Kelly.
5. Change of Clothes
Face it ... You're going to this party for a night of no-strings-attached sex. But you can't let your man or woman back home catch you smelling like sex. Take a change of clothes, so you can sneak back into the house. Just don't get upset if you catch some creeper "Trapped in the Closet" in your boo's bedroom.
4. Exotic Car Rental
The chances of you sticking your key in anyone's ignition quadruple when you pull up in a sick whip. Sure, you might be broke. But when R. Kelly's playing wing man and lubing up the crowd, it may only take a big-body Benz-o to seal the deal.
3. Satin Du-Rag
It's going to be dark in the club, the lights dimly lit to set the mood. Rock a satin du-rag and tell that fine female that your name is "Kelly." Cross your fingers and hope she doesn't realize you're some broke fool who lives with his moms.
R. Kelly's music is a powerful, sonic aphrodisiac. Before long, a full-blown orgy might break out in the middle of the dance floor while everyone's stepping in the name of love. Don't let chlamydia creep up on your dance party. Wrap it up, player.
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1. Plastic Sheets
If you're the apple of R. Kelly's eye on October 2, you may end up at some swanky hotel suite, popping champagne, and getting into some kinky shit. Dude has a reputation as a pee play proponent. To each his own, right? But take a set of plastic sheets to help with the clean-up.
R. Kelly. Sunday, October 2. Revolution Live, 200 W. Broward Blvd., Fort Lauderdale. Call 954-449-1025 or visit jointherevolution.net.