Queer guys Ernesto (left) and Beau (middle) posing with a straight "Rock Star"
Humberto Guida

Club Hopping

On a recent Friday night I began my weekend follies walking down Lincoln Road with no itinerary in mind. I was thirsty for my new favorite drink: guava margaritas. The place to get the delicious cocktail is the hangout flavor of the month, Cafeteria. The restaurant/lounge, which features great-tasting portions of overpriced American fare, has turned into quite the charming destination lately with its plush décor, funky house music, and 24/7 operation.

With me was "Rock Star" Chris Lopez. If you wonder why they call him "Rock Star," it's because the publicist's lifestyle doesn't include sleep. Anyway, we were in the middle of an argument over who Hermione should lose her virginity to in the Harry Potter flicks (I say Harry, "Rock Star" says Ron). That's when Beau Beasley happened to strut by. If you don't know Beau, he's Cafeteria's very pretty, always up-and-at-'em marketing director. When I finally met him, I was a little surprised by the fact he was black and gay. Apparently it's a common mistake. He joked about how he comes off as a straight little white dude over the phone. In person, Beau actually resembles a better-looking Damon Wayans when the comedian performed those hilarious "Men on Film" skits on In Living Color. He even gave me a "two snaps up."Coincidentally, the night also happened to be the premiere of Beau's new party, Taste. DJ Cosmo played deep house in the back lounge as a consortium of sexy people frolicked about. In between rounds of schmoozing, I got Beau to open up, though not the way he'd probably like to. He told me he left Pure nightclub in downtown Miami, where he was the main promo man, because, among other reasons, "it wasn't doing so well." He also admitted his real name: Bradley Milton Beasley the II. He hates it and made me promise not to tell anyone. Hey, if I keep every promise I make, I'll never get to be president.

After I had my fill, I headed over to Nerve, where clubland's most adorable chick, Sami Stormo, was celebrating her 25th b-day bash. But when I arrived she was the one congratulating me. On her Evite page I posted my new resolution to stop puffing on reefer. Truth is, I began to lose track of things like deadlines, taking my medication, and the whereabouts of my car keys from so much toking. After a week off the tabacky the clouds were parting from my head just like at the start of The Simpsons episodes.

Stormo's party drew a slew of other club personalities. Aquabooty's Tomas Ceddia made an appearance, coasting through Nerve with his signature seriously cool expression. Fritz "e" Romeus of Felt and Skin fame came out with a very lovely date. I also got a chance to hang with an influential DJ, one who isn't afraid to say that he came up through the rave scene: Doc Martin. I'll refrain from going on a tangent about my "raventures," but I must say, it was nice to hear a set of funky trip-hop after all these years.

Later on, it was into a cab with "Rock Star," who had finagled a few free shots from one of Nerve's hot-to-trot bartenders with a shake of his ass. We arrived at Mansion ready to lie about how much we earn to the gold-digging models sprinkled throughout the cavernous club. The night was hosted by Empire Events, now officially the premier mover-and-shaker on the upscale hip-hop party circuit. Since Perry Sasson, who's faithful to Jewish law, doesn't go out on Friday nights, the cavernous club was left to his less religious Empire cohorts, Justin Levine and Michael Robbins.

After making a pair of tall, gorgeous Polish women nervous by staring at them incessantly, we left for crobar. On the street, below the big Cameo marquee, stood the always-old-school, never-wack Carlos Perez. The GTC Media mogul whose MyFlyLife production company hosts Saturdays at B.E.D. said I looked tipito empericado. Of course I didn't, but to change the subject I praised his phat Adidas jumpsuit. Nobody can pull off hip-hop gear like the guy who started the Fever parties back in the day. And he was with a beautiful blond babe, which is probably a result of his recent weight loss.

But where was Perez's trusty sidekick, Ping? Clubland's Asian wonder was hiding from me. For some reason he's convinced that if I ever write about him, it'll be the end of his career or something.

Cafeteria is located on 546 Lincoln Rd, Miami Beach. Call 305-672-3663. Nerve is located on 247 23rd St, Miami Beach. Call 305-695-8697. Crobar is located on 1445 Washington Ave, Miami Beach. Call 305-672-8084.


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