Órale, vato... ¡Wassápenin!
It's Cinco de Mayo, amigos, that time of year when we all celebrate the defeat of the French in the Battle of Puebla by pounding shots of tequila.
So grab your sombreros and lucha libre masks for the seven best Cinco de Mayo fiestas this side of the border.
Askultura's Fourth-Annual Skanko de Mayo. Saturday, May 4, 6 p.m., at Churchill's Pub, 5501 NE Second Ave., Miami; 305-757-1807; churchillspub.com. $10. A Star Wars-themed Cinco de Mayo party on the fourth of May? Sure, why not. Especially if there's a drunken waffle-eating contest and bands like Askultura, Stop the Presses, Vice City Rockers, and others competing in a "Ska Wars" competition. In the words of Luke Skywalker, "May the fourth be with you."
Mustache Party. Saturday, May 4, at Shots Miami, 311 NW 23rd St., Miami; 305-571-0439; shots-miami.com. Free. Killer mustaches never get enough credit. Well, until Cinco de Mayo comes along and people -- including the ladies -- want some lip fuzz of their own. And this Saturday, rad facial hair could win you a bottle of Herradura tequila at Shots. While only the bearer of the biggest 'stache will win, the rest of us get to join in on the mustache madness with Corona and tequila specials all night.
Cinco de Mayo Brickell Fest. Sunday, May 5, at Mary Brickell Village, 1001 S. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-375-0179. Tickets cost $28 and $56 for VIP plus fees via brickellfest.com. Mini-wrestlers and a free beer. Need we say more? How about mariachis, a mechanical bull, music by La Linea and the Culture, and food by El Vato? And now you've got Brickell's largest Cinco-themed party.
Cinco de Mayo Party. Sunday, May 5, 9 p.m., at Will Call, 700 NE Second Ave., Miami; 305-577-5900; willcallmiami.com. The only thing (almost) Mexican about crazy folk band Los Bastardos Magnificos is the Spanish name. Unless, of course, you throw in free Jose Cuervo, $2 tacos, and $5 Coronas. Because nothing says "Mexican!" like tequila and tacos.
Drinko de Mayo. Sunday, May 5, 3 p.m., at Cancun Grill, 15406 NW 77th Ct., Miami Lakes; 305-826-8571; cancungrillmiamilakes.com. $10. Who would've known that Miami Lakes, the piece of land that lies between Hialeah and Miramar, knew how to throw a Cinco de Mayo party? DJ Laz, of course. The Pimp With the Limp along with Kat Dahlia will be bringing out the piñatas and mariachis at Miami Lakes' (only?) Mexican spot. ¡Que viva Miami Lakes!
Cinco de Bougie's Block Party. Saturday, May 4, 4 p.m. to 5 a.m., at Bougainvillea's, 7221 SW 58th Ave., Miami; 305-669-8577; bougiesbar.com. Free.
Seven full bars, three beer tubs, a Corona beach, a Cinco-themed photo booth, mustache swag, and music by Robert Elias, Wraps n Kush, and DJ Mikee D... for free. ¡Ándale!
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Cinco de Massive. Sunday, May 5, 10 p.m. at Grand Central, 697 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-377-2277; grandcentralmiami.com. $15. When los locos de Nadastorm, Craze, Sabo, and Pepe Billete get together, you know there's going to be tremenda ratcheteria. Especially when Miami's favorite puppet himself promises the Mexican moombathon celebración at Grand Central to be "el despingue del ciglo on one of the most ratchetero friendly "holidays" of the year." Let the fiesta begin.