Christmas: Ten Worst Albums of All Time
Santa is a fat, hairy, white guy with kids on his lap.
That's not what Christmas is about. Still, malls across America are grimy with the manic footprints of wild hordes of shoppers clawing for the perfect deal.
This is their music. And these are the ten worst Christmas albums of all time.
10. Mariah Carey - Merry Christmas II You
Keep it real, nobody is buying this album because they expect it to have great music inside. They buy it because looking at the album cover with just a little mental airbrushing she's ass naked doing reverse cowgirl and smiling while she wishes for a pearl necklace for Xmas.
9. Daniel O'Donnell - O' Holy Night
We've never heard of this douche nozzle before but apparently in England he's a big deal. Normally we wouldn't give a shit about his lousy annual holiday album or how many millions of them he's sold, but today we noticed he has a deal with Demon Music Group. That's not a joke or a lie. This one robotic looking Christmas creep has an actual deal with the devil.
8. Glee The Music: The Christmas Album, Vol. 4
We know some of you out there are just dying to get your hands on this schlocktastic craptastic assterpiece of crass commercial excess, but apparently they're all sold out. Supposedly a foreign terrorist government is using them in conjunction with water boarding to torture prisoners of war.
7. Michael Bublé - Christmas
This idiot's version of Silent Night should have involved much less singing and much more shut the fuck up. Hey dumbass, next time you wanna make the ultimate Christmas album do the world a favor and hire someone who can actually sing to do all your parts.
6. Mountain Man - Slower Than Christmas
Hey, Mountain Man, ya schmuck, there's no great outdoors for the poor overworked kids in China who assembled the jewel case on your CD with their tiny hellishly abused fingers. Ain't nothin' quite like supportin' communist factory conditions to make a buck is there?
5. Punk Goes Christmas
May Joey Ramone rise from the dead to shit on the front door of the office of the moron who came up with this trash.
4. Trans-Siberian Orchestra - The Lost Christmas Eve
This sorry excuse for an album should have made like its title and got lost, forever. Unfortunately it has already gone triple platinum and sold millions of copies, but we can only hope the endless seas of plastic it generates won't kill as many baby sea turtles as it has ear drums.
3. Blake Shelton - Cheers, It's Christmas
Pretty sure this project's title is a reference to how blind ass drunk he had to be to make an album this lame and stupid. This music belongs in the toilet bowl like the vomitous drug induced sludge it is.
2. Kenny Rogers - Christmas Live
You gotta know when to hold em', know when to fold em', know when to walk away, know when to run. In this case, run as far away from this disaster as you can as fast as possible. It's so terrible it should be called Christmas Dead.
1. Kenny G - The Classic Christmas Album
The only time the words Kenny G and Classic belong together is if somebody pulls an awesome prank on him. For example, "Remember that time we wrapped Kenny G's door frame in Saran Wrap and he tried to walk through it, but he bounced off, landed on his ass, and then a bucket full of mustard fell on his head....that was a classic." Otherwise, his name need not be mentioned at all. Except as the biggest loser in a list full of them, and all their sorry ass Christmas albums.
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