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Bruise Cruise 2012, Day One: A Totally Drunk Tweetcap With Pictures!

See the full 68-photo Bruise Cruise 2012 slideshow.

We here at Crossfade are total fucking pros.

So while we openly admit to being dangerously dependent upon both (1) the internet and (2) alcohol, it is exceedingly rare that either addiction discernibly screws with our ability to produce high-quality online journalism.

This weekend, though, I, S. Pajot, have found myself trapped aboard the Bruise Cruise, a 72,000-ton fantasy class ship with virtually non-existent wi-fi service and unlimited booze of all kinds.

Thus, web-less and wasted, Crossfade presents this totally drunk tweetcap with pictures! Plus, famous guy sightings, philosophical puzzlers, and a full inventory of the Bruise Cruise emergency supply kit.

P.S. Check our bloggage and pics from the Bruise Cruise's opening ceremonies with Dirtbombs and Thee Oh Sees.

Bruise Cruise 2012, Day One: A Totally Drunk Tweetcap With Pictures!
Photo by Marta Xochilt Perez

1 p.m. This is S. Pajot, reporting from a fucking cruise ship. @BruiseCruise #CarnivalImagination #RockNRoll

1:09 p.m. Famous Guy Sighting #1: TV on the Radio's Kyp Malone has boarded the @BruiseCruise and he's doling out hugs in the Xanadu Lounge.

1:16 p.m. Famous Guy Sighting #2: @Jello_Biafra just asked, "What am I supposed to do?," and then walked into a closed glass door.

Do you see a Bruiser breaking water?
Do you see a Bruiser breaking water?
Photo by S. Pajot

3:09 p.m. When a hairy hipster gets drunk on pina coladas and falls off a rock 'n' roll cruise ship, does he make a splash? #PhilosophicalPuzzler

3:09 p.m. Famous Guy Sighting #3: Upon receiving my Bruise Cruise credentials, Fucked Up's Father Damian flashed me a double thumbs up.

3:17 p.m. A Fucked Up Introduction: "Hey, I'm Damian. And I will be your cruise director."

Bruise Cruise 2012, Day One: A Totally Drunk Tweetcap With Pictures!
Photo by Marta Xochilt Perez

4:56 p.m. Bruisin' & Cruisin' Emergency Supply Kit: Free Santa Carolina merlot, 2011 vintage; Grooveshark-branded rolling papers; music and comedy ...

5:07 p.m. Bruisin' & Cruisin' Emergency Supply Kit (cont'd): ... on vinyl; 45 record adapter rings; cheap pen for notes and makeshift tracheotomies ...

5:18 p.m. Bruisin' & Cruisin' Emergency Supply Kit (cont'd): BC t-shirt, shades, and complimentary lubricated latex condom, expires October 2014.

John Dwyer's guitar is always on the lookout for an ear hole to fuck.
John Dwyer's guitar is always on the lookout for an ear hole to fuck.
Photo by Marta Xochilt Perez

5:46 p.m. Opening Ceremonies With Dirtbombs: These Motor City motherfuckers look like they've been swimming laps in an Olympic-size sweat pool.

6:35 p.m. Did you know the correct translation of Thee Oh Sees is "I'm gonna fuck your ear holes with the neck of my splintered guitar?" #SonicAssault

7:15 p.m. During the safety briefing earlier, a drunk gentleman (tatted, shirtless, hirsute) wouldn't stop shouting, "Party!" He's still saying it.

Jello Biafra Speaks! A lecture on shitty band names, radical politics, and mass-produced American beer.
Jello Biafra Speaks! A lecture on shitty band names, radical politics, and mass-produced American beer.
Photo by Marta Xochilt Perez

10:30 p.m. A conversation between a cruiser and a Bruiser: "Is this line for the restroom?" "No, Jello Biafra." "What?"

10:38 p.m. "Party! Jello Biafra sucks. Don't waste your time." -- Party Guy

10:50 p.m. FYI, if you invite Jello to a party, he hates Budweiser. Only microbrews are punk enough. #HardcoreBoozeRules

Bruise Cruise 2012, Day One: A Totally Drunk Tweetcap With Pictures!
Photo by S. Pajot

12:04 a.m. Nightcap #1: A lukewarm margarita and five water glasses of free Santa Carolina merlot, 2011 vintage.

12:52 a.m. Nightcap #2: Two Budweisers ... We didn't invite Biafra. #SorryJello

1:33 a.m. Nightcap #3: Fun Asswhore ... It's the cruise industry's premiere publication concerning anal-only sex professionals. No boners about it.

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