Who's noticed Justin Bieber acting like a gaping, fully grown asshole for, like, the last 332 days? OMG, sooo hot.
On March 1, 2012, the boy with the beautiful bowl cut who once sang "Baby" turned 18, officially becoming a mature 'n' sexy man. But just being recognized as a legal adult in the oogling eyes of the American government (as well as the wig-wearing magistrates in his native land of Canada) wasn't enough for the Biebz.
Nope, JB needed to prove his manliness. So he stripped down for Rolling Stone, broke up with his GF, drifted deep into underage drinking, puked in public, masterminded a sex-tape hoax, started smoking pot, and just generally upped the douchey bad boy factor to 11.
Strippin' for the Stone
To commemorate crossing the threshold of adulthood, Bieber showed up on the cover of Rolling Stone in a wifebeater alongside the headline "Hot, Ready, Legal." Sure, he wasn't topless. But almost. "And," as Stone writer Josh Eels observed, "on his upper lip [were] the tiniest seedlings of a mustache."
See ya, Selena
Everyone knows when a pop star reaches the age of majority, he's gotta get rid of all his old toys. Like the famous teeny bopper girlfriend who's just not slutty enough for a world-class music industry superjerk. And that's why Bieber and former Disney starlet Selena Gomez are done. It's called an image makeover, bro.
Young and Drunk
The legal drinking age in the United States of America is 21. In most of Canada, it's 19. So even if he's chugging it up in his hometown of Stratford, Ontario, the Biebz is still too young to lawfully imbibe. Clearly, though, he doesn't give a shit. In April, British popsters The Wanted outed JB as an underage drinker. In June, he admitted to GQ: "I've had a beer... But I never get out of control." In October, a cell phone photo surfaced of the teen heartthrob playing beer pong. But so what? There's nothing cooler than a teenage alcoholic.
Barfin' for Beliebers
It isn't a secret that Justin Bieber's followers (colloquially known as Beliebers) are a crazy, fanatical bunch. So it was no big surprise when we all found out (thanks to the crack reporting of Y100's Elvis Duran and the Morning Show) that JB's most devoted groupies fantasize about letting their "Boyfriend" barf on their heads. However, the world was totally stunned when the Biebz obliged these puke enthusiasts' wettest dreams, upchucking all over the stage during an Arizona concert. He blamed "milk and spaghetti." But we blame backstage beer pong. Either way, the fans ate it up!
When his computer and digital camera got swiped a few months ago, the Biebz was bummed. "Yesterday during the show, me and my tour manager Josh had some stuff stolen," he tweeted. "Really sucks. People should respect other's property." Within hours, a dick pic of Justin hit the web. (His camp called it a doctored fake.) Then a Twitter troll named @gexwy popped up, hyping the imminent leak of a XXX vid starring everyone's favorite barely legal hunk. But when a YouTube link was finally posted, all we got was the official release of a crappy, fully-clothed clip for "Beauty and the Beat," his single with Nicki Minaj. So yeah, the whole thing was just a douchey promotional hoax, masterminded by a pop star that we used to trust. Betrayal never felt so good.
Bieber Does Blunts
Just like his homie, occasional collaborator, and fellow ex-boy wonder Chris Brown, the Biebz loves some sweet leaf. Suspicion about his habit swirled when a paparazzo was hit by a car and died in an attempt to get a shot of Bieber sucking on a hash pipe behind the wheel of his white Ferarri. A few days later, a photo of a hotel smoking sesh confirmed that Bieber does blunts. And yes, Beliebers were aghast. But c'mon, the side effects of marijuana use are minimal. Well, unless you consider C. Breezy to be some kinda test subject.
Future of the Biebz
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Half-nude centerfolds, nasty breakups, binge boozing, vomit play, bogus sex tapes, marijuana addiction ... What's next for Justin Bieber? There's no way to tell. Maybe rehab. But we can definitely say with absolute certainty that the Biebz is Planet Earth's favorite douchey pop-star bad boy. As JB might say: "Believe."
Justin Bieber. Saturday and Sunday, January 26 and 27. American Airlines Arena, 601 Biscayne Blvd., Miami. The shows start at 7 p.m. and tickets cost $38.50 to $447 plus fees via ticketmaster.com. Call 786-777-1000 or visit aaarena.com.