A Few Bones to Pick

Ted Nugent has problems. He might be the happiest rock and roll animal in the jungle, but sometimes you wonder if he's just one synapse away from Koreshville. Believe him A if Janet Reno and the government ever send the badged boys out to his place, they're going to get more than a mouthful of the Nuge's hard-core conservative logic. They're gonna get a bellyful of lead -- or maybe a custom-designed hunting arrow right between the eyes.

Famed as a spokesman for hunting (he first picked up a bow at age six, three years before he began playing guitar), Nugent admits that nobody needs a high-powered, fully automatic gun to knock off a deer or elk. Just recently, in fact, he killed a buffalo using a fairly light (60-pound pull), hand-held bow and an arrow he designed himself. "We're talking about a 2200-, 2300-pound bison, a garbage scow with hair. It went all the way through him! Yeah, 'Wow' is what I said, too."

But damn if he doesn't think you should keep an AK-47 or two around the house. "These weapons are wonderful, but not for hunting. Nobody uses automatic weapons to hunt," he notes. "I'm a tool guy. And I believe in the Constitution. Read the Second Amendment. Americans have the right to weapons equal to the government's military to repel overzealous governments. It clearly defines the right to keep government in check. Those cocksuckers work for us. My intellect is insulted by motherfucking Janet Reno A shut up, bitch, you work for me. I don't have an arrest record, you fucking whore; you don't need my fingerprints. She wants to make sure you and I have to deal with dozens of felons because her system of justice sucks."

His beef with would-be gun controllers extends, naturally enough, to the top. His description of Bill Clinton: "Billy? A holier-than-thou, pontificating, self-righteous, condescending.... He's so inept I want to gag. I have no fond feelings for the guy at all."

Perhaps Nugent -- riding high with an album due out on Atlantic in the fall and a tour that brings him to the Button South on Monday -- will run for prez himself. After all, it was only three months ago that Senator Malcolm Wallop of Wyoming delivered an impassioned speech on the senate floor hailing the Nuge as the ultimate role model. "What most impressed me about Ted is his commitment to the real America," the senator intoned. "He cares about the country. He cares about our family, his family, and he leads by example."

In addition Nugent publishes a magazine for outdoorsmen, founded the Kamp for Kids program and a couple of bow-hunting organizations, is a spokesman for Drug Abuse Resistance Education, works for Rush Limbaugh and his radio-TV empire, and is a member of dozens of civic organizations (most of them hunting-related). Any potential campaign managers might also point out that Nugent is one of the most popular performers around, having sold some 30 million albums and filled countless live venues during his 27-year career.

He would certainly garner the green vote -- Nuge is America's greatest conservationist. How does killing wild animals behoove the environment? "Jeez," Nugent says impatiently before launching into a rapid-fire lecture about the fees and taxes contributed by hunters: "How about providing billions of dollars to scientifically proven programs for a healthy, thriving, diverse ecology in the world? Pass the ammo and let's celebrate! I'm a conservationist not by policy but by a sense of reverence for how I fit in to the concrete jungle of rock and roll or the habitat of nature." Living on a 680-acre spread in Michigan, Nugent cuts down about four trees per year for his family's use. "And I plant somewhere between 2000 and 3000. It's a renewable resource, and anyone who doesn't get it has shit for brains. It's so obvious, so utilitarian -- it's not because it's a cute trend."

A couple of major rock stars fit into Nuge's definition of "shit for brains," including Paul McCartney. "When McCartney says he won't eat anything with a face, I ask, 'What are you saying to millions of Americans barbecuing chicken on the Fourth of July?' I think Paul should shut up and sing. And I think Linda should just shut up. I'm proud to be a hunter because it's as pure a function as giving birth. There's this vicious misrepresentation of hunting, a lie repeated so often people believe it: That I weigh 350 pounds, inbred, shooting Bambi and stop signs and the occasional nephew in the leg. Hunters are mothers and fathers...we understand how we fit in. With respect for Chief Seattle, the elk and the wind are my brothers. I have critters for dinner, and for clothing."

Simply put, Nugent believes that technological progress has outpaced moral evolution. He calls it "the slaughter running unchecked." With bag limits and all the other regulations, however, hunting is now nature's best friend: "My hunting dollars saved the bison; the animal-rights people didn't." Further, the actual "sport" involves "the stealth of getting close. It's not that I'm macho; besides that I'm an unbelievably good provider for my family, which is macho."

Another famous rocker to feel the wrath of Nuge's political vision: Kurt Cobain. Nugent has endured some backlash since first voicing his feelings about the dead Nirvana frontman. "And I consider it an honor," he bellows. "Courtney's dad was on Geraldo the other day saying he'd like to punch out me and Andy Rooney. He couldn't get past Andy Rooney, how's he gonna do with me? I piss on and curse the ground Kurt Cobain walked. I'll eat asparagus to make my piss stink before I piss on his grave. Heroin-addicted piece of shit. To have a heroin-addicted baby. We're supposed to feel sorry for these people? I'd like to fucking spray 'em with bullets, goat-urine-soaked bullets." Nugent pauses. "Sorry. I'm calling from the Tulsa airport, and this bank of pay phones just cleared out."

Even though his first hit was "Journey to the Center of the Mind" with the Amboy Dukes, Nugent professes to have never touched alcohol or any other drugs. "I'm very proud of that," he says. "I meet with young people, do teleconferences, presentations, and I look 'em in the face and let 'em know they have a choice. To be in charge of themselves, their senses can't be poisoned A nicotine, lack of sleep, bad pussy, alcohol. The body is a temple, not a Stone Temple Pilot. I'm in charge of this, and I'm very successful at being happy. So I speak against that geeky sheep mentality and tell 'em, 'Don't go the Kurt Cobain route.'"

Not that Nuge always goes the Rush Limbaugh route, either. "We disagree on some things," the Motor City Madman admits. "Abortion, suicide, and some environmental issues -- he thinks we should pummel the Earth." On other issues, though, the two are a match made in media heaven. "I reek of the F-word," Nugent offers. "Family is everything. I was appointed by the governor of Michigan as spokesman for the Year of the Family."

Which brings him to the issue of the day, what with June being Gay and Lesbian Pride Month. How does the sweaty, macho, buffalo-killing, father-husband, guitar showman feel about homosexuals? "Not at my ranch. I seen dogs sniff each other's ass...." He pauses, as if this is one question that hasn't been asked in the millions of interviews Nugent's provocative commentary has inspired. "They've got a situation, a condition...." He seems to be thinking hard about it as he stands at the pay phone in Oklahoma. "If they enjoy it, I say live it up. You can do a swan dive into warm peanut butter, but don't splash any on my ass. It's an aberration, it's unhealthy. You're a species, you have to reproduce. So it's a man and a woman."

Species survival aside, Nugent seems a bit unsure about homosexuality, maybe not so surprising for a man who years ago would swing on a rope, nearly naked, like Tarzan, to begin his live shows. "I'm not against it on the moral issue. As a gay issue, I think it's a bad turn for the individual. Like if a guy's got a bum leg, I wouldn't recommended he be shot. I consider [homosexuality] a bum leg. So press on, my friends, and be the best you can be." There you go, gay people -- you can wango tango all you want, and Ted's not coming through your bedroom window with an AK-47. Just don't smoke or drink or do dope while you're in there.

For all his proselytizing, and despite the fact that Senator Wallop noted that Nuge is "a hunter who also happens to be a rock star," the man with the plan is still finding time to rock and roll, and that's something he doesn't have to stop and think about. "The new album is called Spirit of the Wild, and it's heavy on the spirit and heavy on the wild. On this tour, I'm having more fun, it's more exhilarating, accelerating, more torque, adrenaline than I've ever had in my greasy 45 years. Who the fuck do I think I am, and is this legal? This Gibson I'm playing is a natural, a big damn thing. No wonder there's no rain forest; they put it all in this fucking instrument. This is a glorious moment for mankind! It's just unnatural how much fun I'm having."

Ted Nugent performs at 9:30 p.m. Monday at the Button South, 100 Ansin Blvd, Hallandale, 457-1222. Tickets cost $25.


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