No One Cares What You Did Last Summer
First, a disclaimer: Having missed last year's I Know What You Did Last Summer, I deliberately put off seeing it until I had seen the the sequel, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. That way I could view part two without prejudice, and be able to judge whether or not IKWYDLS virgins could fully appreciate the new film cold.
Well, they can't. Contrary to how these things are supposed to be done, the early "shock" scenes in I Still don't really work if you're unfamiliar with the setup.
And furthermore, if I had seen the original, I would have set aside my delicate sense of dignity and feigned an attack of agoraphobia or hydrophobia or even just the plain old screaming meemies in order to avoid squandering another 101 minutes on such a transparent gobbler.
The first film was a surprise hit with young audiences, a fact that can be chalked up to either clever marketing or the long-term effects of this nation's decline in educational standards. It benefited from the "hot new kid" name recognition of screenwriter Kevin Williamson, as well as from the presence of Jennifer Love Hewitt, who appears in one of those TV shows whose proliferation is one of the many reasons I am a film critic rather than a TV critic.
But alas, fealty to the big screen doesn't totally spare one: The overstuffed stew pot of television occasionally slops over to the film world, and the stardom of Ms. Hewitt (or is it Ms. Love Hewitt?) is yet one more gravy stain on the domain of cinema.
To be fair, Hewitt is not the main problem with Summer pere or fils (mere or fille?). Blame for the former should be placed squarely on Williamson and director Jim Gillespie, for the latter on screenwriter Trey Callaway and director Danny Cannon.
For those who missed the original, a brief recap: Two teenaged couples returning from a high school graduation romp run over a shadowy figure. In an attempt to cover up the accident, they toss the body into the sea, even after discovering that the victim is still alive. A year later one of the quartet, Julie James (Hewitt), receives a note that reads "I know what you did last summer!" A hooded figure starts to stalk the four, wantonly killing others along the way for no discernible reason. After much plot misdirection, Julie and boyfriend Ray (Freddie Prinze, Jr.) identify the killer as fisherman Ben Willis and dispose of him.
Or so they think.
Dum de dum dum!
The sequel opens exactly a year later with Julie having a nightmare about Willis. Her roommate Karla (Brandy) tries to cheer her up, but Julie is just a neurotic ol' gloompuss. An obnoxious DJ calls the girls' unlisted number -- hint, hint -- and asks, "What's the capital of Brazil?" When Julie and Karla answer, "Rio de Janeiro," he informs them that they've won an all-expenses-paid vacation for four at a beautiful tropical resort.
(Just about now those of you who got a B- or better in geography will realize that there's something fishy about this radio giveaway. If I Still Know What You Did Last Summer were worthy of academic deconstruction, one could argue that the heroines' sloppy study habits represent the Hitchcockian flaw that will trigger their subsequent travails.)
When Ray craps out on the trip, Julie finds herself paired off with Will (Matthew Settle), a lovesick swain with the demonic grin of Tom Cruise. Together with Karla and her boyfriend Tyrell (Mekhi Phifer), they take off for the Tower Bay Hotel, arriving in what seems to be a popular Caribbean paradise filled with bikini-clad babes and musclebound menschen. But it turns out that this is the last day before hurricane season kicks in. Amazingly the entire island is deserted within hours, though some quick calculating -- capacity of ferry multiplied by time remaining for ferry trips equals way fewer people than we see in the establishing shots -- suggests that the filmmakers are no better at math than their characters are at geography.
The four find themselves trapped indefinitely on the island with only the acidulous hotel manager (Jeffrey Combs) and his "marginally trained off-season staff of five" for company.
Or so it seems until a mysterious hooded figure starts picking off staff and guests, slashing them open with his prosthetic hooked hand like so many overripe melons.
Time elapsed from the figure's first appearance to the film's end is slightly more than an hour, an hour as devoid of genuine suspense as was its progenitor. In this movie's defense, it's not quite as downright dull and plodding as the first, but it is still no more effective. Like the makers of Halloween H2O, Cannon and Callaway have exactly two tricks in their bag: the fakeout shock cut (There's someone behind you! Eek! Oops, it's just a friend) and the menacing figure scurrying through the background; we can see him but the onscreen character can't. To this limited repertoire the filmmakers add a gratuitous use of gore, rubbing our noses in closeups of torn flesh.
And true to form, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer ends with a shock teaser. It defies logic, but it sets up yet another sequel. Be sure and warn me before it comes out; I'll need time to lay in a supply of botulin toxin for my alibi.
I Still Know What You Did Last Summer.
Directed by Danny Cannon. Written by Trey Callaway. Starring Jennifer Love Hewitt, Brandy, Mekhi Phifer, Matthew Settle, Freddie Prinze, Jr., and Jeffrey Combs.
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