Archive Search Results
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Loon Over Miami
Christopher de los Reyes says Miami Beach needs a king, not a mayor
By Elyse Wanshel
Published: November 5, 2009
It's midnight and a would-be monarch gives Washington Avenue his best Saturday Night Fever strut. He's dressed in jeans and a black guayabera, and resting atop the future...
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Loon Over Miami
Scare one up at Kendall Ale House
By Elyse Wanshel
Published: October 29, 2009
Sure, South Beach is the Devil's playground, Little Haiti has vodou, and downtown is like a ghost town at night, but the spookiest place in Dade is Kendall. And Hellmouth just...
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Loon Over Miami
Game on at the Standard Miami's drunk bingo night
By Elyse Wanshel
Published: October 22, 2009
Samantha, a slender 24-year-old who's rocking jeans, glasses, and a wily bra strap that's aching to slide out from beneath her tank top, looks like the sort of chick who knows...
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Loon Over Miami
Find your inner animal at Fox's Sherron Inn
By Elyse Wanshel
Published: October 8, 2009
As John Lennon's raw, razor-like voice croons "I Am the Walrus" from the jukebox, Pauly slouches over an L-shaped bar to take a gulp of his Manhattan. "Funny that song should...
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Loon Over Miami
Good luck lurks at Scully's Tavern in Kendall
By Elyse Wanshel
Published: September 24, 2009
Steve, a 34-year-old with a crewcut and pale skin that looks like it's been glazed a couple times with Crisco, blows some blue dust off the tip of a pool cue. He lines up the...
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Loon Over Miami
Work Stinks: Happy Labor Day!
Clean up other people's bodily fluids and get stiffed. It's your freakin' job.
By Elyse Wanshel
Published: September 3, 2009
Pablo is a short, fidgety 29-year-old who resembles Bill from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure if the Wyld Stallyn had a slightly darker complexion. A few years ago, while...
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Loon Over Miami
Ice Station Victor
These club kids are cold, cold, cold.
By Elyse Wanshel
Published: August 13, 2009
Britney, a lima bean-size hipster with a Jane Fonda mullet, leans on a small serpentine bar and imparts an arctic tale of nastiness. "The coldest thing I ever did was start a...
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Loon Over Miami
Tat-Time Stories
Wacky tales at last weekend's ink extravaganza.
By Elyse Wanshel
Published: July 23, 2009
In Cambodia, Buddhist monks ink magical yantra tattoos on people's flesh to ward off evil. In Polynesian New Zealand, the indigenous Maori carve colorful swirls called ta moko...
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Loon Over Miami
Patriotic Pop Quiz
The only one who knows anything about America is from... Argentina.
By Elyse Wanshel
Published: July 2, 2009
In 1775, who said, "Give me liberty or give me death?" "William Wallace in Braveheart, right?" responds Bill, a 28-year-old blond who drapes his refrigerator-like physique in...
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Loon Over Miami
It's Ladies' Night
And areolas, unicorns, and lots of low-rent alcohol make the feeling right.
By Elyse Wanshel
Published: June 25, 2009
Onstage at Mr. Moe's (3131 Commodore Plaza, Coconut Grove) is a blonde who resembles every stringy-haired chick you've ever seen with the words "Too Hot to Handle" plastered...
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Loon Over Miami
Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang at Exxxotica
At a world-class porn show, we deliver innocence.
By Elyse Wanshel
Published: May 21, 2009
In a large cylindrical cage, a tiny Asian dancer named April attempts to swing from a black plastic chain. But her red painted toes clumsily catch on the plush, pink carpeting,...
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Loon Over Miami
Back to the Future at the Clevelander
Patrons at the revamped SoBe hot spot sound just like the old party animals.
By Elyse Wanshel
Published: May 14, 2009
Keith Richards and the Clevelander (1020 Ocean Dr., Miami Beach) have a thing or two in common. Both were conceived during the Great Depression (1943 and 1938, respectively)....
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Loon Over Miami
Walk of Shame Kit, Only $34.99
Embarrassed after spending the night. Here's a solution for you.
By Elyse Wanshel
Published: April 23, 2009
You can spot her at dawn — a rumpled remnant of a woman making the long, teetering trek down Michigan or Meridian or Collins. She sports raccoon eyes, lacks an earring,...
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Loon Over Miami
Deal Breakers
The horror. Ugly feet, greed, and Bon Jovi are enough to make anyone dump a mate.
By Elyse Wanshel
Published: April 2, 2009
So, what exactly is a deal breaker? If you ask Peter, an anxious, sniffling, and sharply suited 36-year-old with a prominent mole that floats above his arched left brow, he'll...
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Loon Over Miami
The Woman Whisperer
He said he could teach anyone to pick up a lady. So I put him to the test.
By Elyse Wanshel
Published: March 19, 2009
It's an easy, breezy Tuesday evening at Monty's (2550 S. Bayshore Dr., Coconut Grove) when Chris, a short, 27-year-old Cuban-American with a handlebar mustache, jitters past a...
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Loon Over Miami
Conversation Hearts Predict Valentine's Day
On February 14, things have a way of turning ugly.
By Elyse Wanshel
Published: February 12, 2009
Corbett's (12721 S. Dixie Hwy., Pinecrest) is a small, wood-paneled bar in a shopping center next to Suniland Park. Inside, there's a small circular bar with an island of TV...
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Loon Over Miami
Twelve Hours at Mac's Club Deuce
Swingin' iguanas, a prince from Sudan, and tawdry tales at SoBe's top dive.
By Elyse Wanshel
Published: January 29, 2009
In 1963, the owner of a four-decade-old South Beach dive called Club Deuce — Harold Schwartz — died. The same hour, Mac Klein's daughter Zina was born in Miami...
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Loon Over Miami
Hookah Big One
Take a toke, but don't tell 'em what's inside.
By Elyse Wanshel
Published: January 15, 2009
With a long plastic tube, a Swiss Army knife, and a highlighter, a six-foot five-inch 19-year-old named Big Fern can produce an apparatus that not only yields euphoria but also...
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Loon Over Miami
Strippers' XXXmas
They're dreaming of a ... fruitcake.
By Elyse Wanshel
Published: December 25, 2008
A snow angel of a girl — pretty, brunette, and fair — stands on a stage in hoochie stilettos and a sky-blue thong with ribbonlike straps that knot at her hips. The...
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Loon Over Miami
Toga Party
The White Party bash at Vizcaya might have been the year's wildest celebration. But the talk was deadly serious.
By Elyse Wanshel
Published: December 11, 2008
Aaron is a boyishly handsome and topless twentysomething in tight white silver-fringed pants, suspenders, body glitter, and an extravagantly feathered Spartan helmet. "Zeus was...
